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The Official HDF Joke Thread

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Old 07-06-2013, 03:23 PM   #826  
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Old 07-07-2013, 03:12 PM   #827  
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AAAarrrrgghhh..!
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Old 07-12-2013, 05:45 PM   #828  
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Too funny!!!

The only thing better would be if they identified the spokesman as Mike Hunt!!!

+ YouTube Video
ERROR: If you can see this, then YouTube is down or you don't have Flash installed.
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Old 07-23-2013, 07:36 AM   #829  
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A young American woman living in France, has an affair, gets pregnant, and gives birth to identical twin boys. She can't deal with raising them alone and gives them up for adoption. One is adopted by a couple in Spain, who name him Juan. The other is adopted by a Muslim family in France, who name him Ahmal.

Years later Juan tracks down the address of his birth mother and sends her a photo of himself. When she receives it she starts to weep and tells her husband she wishes she also had a photo of Ahmal.



He says, "Why? They're identical twins. Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amhal!"

(rim shot)
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Old 07-26-2013, 09:30 AM   #830  
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>>
>> Florida
>> A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
>> of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,
>> enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
>> "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
>> Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue
>> lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110,
>> then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!"
>> and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
>> Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked
>> up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift
>> ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason
>> for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."
>> The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off
>> with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.
>> "Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
>> Georgia
>> The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
>> He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
>> The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
>>
>> Louisiana
>> A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."
>> When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
>>
>> Mississippi
>> The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
>> B ubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
>> The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
>>
>> North Carolina
>> A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
>> A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
>> The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
>> The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
>> The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
>>
>> Tennessee
>> A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
>> The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
>>
>> Texas
>> The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
>> "Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
>>
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Old 07-26-2013, 02:25 PM   #831  
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Don't mess with Texas.
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Old 07-28-2013, 07:50 AM   #832  
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"Woman stops gator attack with a small Beretta pistol."



This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

A Beretta Jetfire testimonial:



Here is her story:



While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!



Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus ... the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.
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Old 07-28-2013, 11:48 AM   #833  
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This Anthony Weiner guy running for mayor is something. He had to resign from congress for sexting with a woman not his wife, and then does it again. He is basically saying yeah I done it, so what?

Here is a funny parody "A Boy Named Weiner:"
+ YouTube Video
ERROR: If you can see this, then YouTube is down or you don't have Flash installed.

Last edited by rbinck; 07-28-2013 at 11:54 AM..
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Old 07-28-2013, 12:00 PM   #834  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rbinck View Post
This Anthony Weiner guy running for mayor is something. He had to resign from congress for sexting with a woman not his wife, and then does it again. He is basically saying yeah I done it, so what?

Here is a funny parody "A Boy Named Weiner:"
+ YouTube Video
ERROR: If you can see this, then YouTube is down or you don't have Flash installed.
Welcome to the Big Apple, where anything can happen and usually does !
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Old 07-29-2013, 05:28 AM   #835  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ImRizzo View Post
Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
>> The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
The women in our Accounting department loved this one. One of them added to the joke, saying, "For $17,200 I'd give him the earrings."

She computed it in her head, too.
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Old 08-01-2013, 07:08 AM   #836  
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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus Bull
I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't
even look at a cow.

I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him.
He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young,
so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows!
He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows!
He's like a machine!



I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him......


but they kind of taste like peppermint...
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Old 08-01-2013, 07:18 AM   #837  
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A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over
to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says,
"Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I
can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and
10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week
for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card
drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really
embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was
she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person
around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and
reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00
and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."
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Old 08-02-2013, 05:54 AM   #838  
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Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Understanding Engineers #7

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers #8

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

And Finally
Two engineers???
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.
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Old 08-06-2013, 04:49 PM   #839  
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In honor of shark week . . .


Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.



"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."



And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."



And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."



And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"



His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!"
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Old 08-10-2013, 09:11 AM   #840  
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There was a bit of confusion at Ace Hardware this morning.



When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the

cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."



Making a mental note to complain to the local newspaper about the gun

registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.



When the hysterical shrieking had finally subsided, I found out that she

was referring to my credit card.



I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.



They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
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