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The Official HDF Joke Thread

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Old 02-01-2020, 08:30 AM   #2416  
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Old 02-01-2020, 08:51 AM   #2417  
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Old 02-04-2020, 09:50 AM   #2418  
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My microwave oven has a 'stop time' button on it. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer', but I don't touch it, just in case.
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Old 02-04-2020, 03:38 PM   #2419  
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Old 02-05-2020, 09:46 AM   #2420  
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Quote:
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Old 02-07-2020, 09:14 AM   #2421  
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An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile.
This year's submissions:

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
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Old 02-16-2020, 08:41 AM   #2422  
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Old 02-16-2020, 08:48 AM   #2423  
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Old 02-20-2020, 09:49 AM   #2424  
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I went to the doctor and he says “I have some bad news and worse news.”
He says “You have Alzheimer’s ... and cancer.”
And I said, ... “Well at least I don’t have cancer!”
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Last edited by ImRizzo; 02-20-2020 at 10:19 AM..
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Old 02-21-2020, 08:45 AM   #2425  
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Old 02-21-2020, 02:56 PM   #2426  
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Old 02-21-2020, 04:18 PM   #2427  
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Old Yesterday, 10:16 AM   #2428  
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Old Today, 09:32 AM   #2429  
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