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Old 10-22-2019, 08:11 AM   #2356  
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Old 10-23-2019, 08:42 PM   #2357  
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Old 10-24-2019, 08:13 PM   #2358  
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A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
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Old 10-24-2019, 08:20 PM   #2359  
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Old 10-27-2019, 08:16 AM   #2360  
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Old 10-27-2019, 08:48 AM   #2361  
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A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd, sure enough, get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
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Old 10-27-2019, 10:23 AM   #2362  
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Hey, have you heard of the new movie “Constipation” ?



No? – Well that’s probably because it hasn’t come out yet.
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Old 10-28-2019, 07:30 AM   #2363  
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Old 10-29-2019, 06:56 AM   #2364  
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Old 10-29-2019, 07:04 AM   #2365  
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A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.

"Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt", the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, some stranger walks up beside him and whispers, “Would you be willing to give up a quarter of your sex life to sink the putt?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sounds good to me," and promptly sinks the putt!

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gosh, I wish I could get an eagle on this one."

The same stranger is suddenly at his side again and whispers, “Would it be worth giving up another quarter of your sex life to make an eagle?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And, amazingly, he makes the eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, “Could winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?”

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and sure enough he makes the eagle and wins the match.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks along beside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I’m Satan, and from this day forward you really will have no sex life at all."

“Nice to meet you," the golfer replies. "I'm Father O'Malley.”
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Old 10-29-2019, 07:26 AM   #2366  
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Old 11-08-2019, 08:51 AM   #2367  
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Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from New Orleans. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000. That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$27,000."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure? ”

"The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.

Remember.. "I love my country, It's the government I'm afraid of!"
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Old 11-09-2019, 07:02 PM   #2368  
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Old 11-09-2019, 07:56 PM   #2369  
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Old 11-10-2019, 09:48 AM   #2370  
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