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The Official HDF Joke Thread

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Old 09-04-2019, 07:40 PM   #2311  
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Old 09-05-2019, 07:42 AM   #2312  
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Old 09-05-2019, 07:43 AM   #2313  
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Old 09-05-2019, 07:47 AM   #2314  
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Old 09-08-2019, 06:44 PM   #2315  
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Walmart installed a medical kiosk, for $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.
When he put the sample into the machine the next day, .....the printout read:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics.
3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab.
4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you keep playing with yourself, your fucking tennis elbow won't get better!

"Thank you for shopping at Walmart"
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Old 09-10-2019, 08:37 PM   #2316  
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Old 09-10-2019, 08:47 PM   #2317  
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Old 09-11-2019, 07:53 PM   #2318  
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Old 09-12-2019, 10:51 AM   #2319  
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Old 09-14-2019, 08:49 AM   #2320  
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Old 09-14-2019, 10:42 PM   #2321  
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Old 09-15-2019, 08:35 AM   #2322  
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Old 09-15-2019, 08:46 AM   #2323  
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Old 09-15-2019, 10:16 AM   #2324  
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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body.

Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.”

“What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician.

Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!”
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Old 09-15-2019, 02:48 PM   #2325  
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PARKING TICKET: My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an "a**hole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires. So my wife called him a "s*ithead." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We always look for cars with Bernie Sanders stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's so important at our age!!
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