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The Official HDF Joke Thread

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Old 08-11-2019, 06:42 PM   #2281  
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Old 08-12-2019, 12:10 PM   #2282  
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"DID YOU HEAR THE LATEST GOSSIP?"

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in the other members' private lives. Church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his old pickup in front of Mildred's house... and left it there all night!
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Old 08-12-2019, 02:13 PM   #2283  
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Old 08-14-2019, 04:43 PM   #2284  
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What do lawyers wear to court?

Lawsuits!
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Old 08-14-2019, 04:44 PM   #2285  
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What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?

A labracadabrador!
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Old 08-14-2019, 04:46 PM   #2286  
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!
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Old 08-14-2019, 04:48 PM   #2287  
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What did the duck say to the bartender?

Put it on my bill!
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Old 08-14-2019, 04:49 PM   #2288  
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What happened to the frog that parked in the no-standing zone?

He got toad!
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Old 08-14-2019, 05:19 PM   #2289  
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CATHOLIC HORSES...

A bookie was at the races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.

The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on...

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1.

This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.
Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened?

All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
"You are not Catholic are you my son?"

"No, I'm Jewish"

"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites".
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Old 08-15-2019, 08:06 AM   #2290  
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Old 08-15-2019, 05:21 PM   #2291  
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Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus, and the blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. The brunette says, "What is going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs One of the blondes says,
..."Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
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Old 08-16-2019, 07:05 PM   #2292  
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Old Yesterday, 07:58 AM   #2293  
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A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a Gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. .. ....

(get ready)

'You just happened to catch my eye.'
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Old Yesterday, 08:00 AM   #2294  
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Old Yesterday, 11:01 AM   #2295  
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