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Old 04-29-2019, 07:27 PM   #2191  
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Old 04-30-2019, 05:32 PM   #2192  
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Old 05-04-2019, 07:02 PM   #2193  
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Area Of Performance

-------------------



Quality Of Work

__ 1 - Leaps tall buildings with a single bound

__ 2 - Leaps tall buildings with a running start

__ 3 - Can leap a short building if prodded

__ 4 - Bumps into building

__ 5 - Cannot recognize buildings



Promptness

__ 1 - Is faster than a speeding bullet

__ 2 - Is a fast as a speeding bullet.

__ 3 - Would you believe a slow bullet?

__ 4 - Misfires frequently

__ 5 - Wounds self when handling guns



Initiative

__ 1 - Is stronger than a locomotive

__ 2 - Is as strong as a bull elephant

__ 3 - Almost as strong as a bull

__ 4 - Shoots the bull

__ 5 - Smells like a bull



Adaptability

__ 1 - Walks on water

__ 2 - Keeps head above water under stress

__ 3 - Washes with water

__ 4 - Drinks water

__ 5 - Passes water in emergencies



Communication

__ 1 - Talks to God

__ 2 - Talks with Angles

__ 3 - Talks to himself

__ 4 - Argues with himself

__ 5 - Loses arguments with himself
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Old 05-06-2019, 02:11 AM   #2194  
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Old 05-06-2019, 02:12 AM   #2195  
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Old 05-06-2019, 11:06 AM   #2196  
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Old 05-06-2019, 02:29 PM   #2197  
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Old 05-10-2019, 09:31 AM   #2198  
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Old 05-10-2019, 10:24 AM   #2199  
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Old 05-10-2019, 11:31 AM   #2200  
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Old 05-10-2019, 01:11 PM   #2201  
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Old 05-10-2019, 05:13 PM   #2202  
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[IMG]THIS IS A MUST READ.......BRILLIANT ���������� Weight Loss Program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
He lost 33 lbs that week.[/IMG]
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Old 05-10-2019, 07:29 PM   #2203  
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Old 05-12-2019, 10:54 AM   #2204  
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A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"
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Old 05-13-2019, 10:49 AM   #2205  
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