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The Official HDF Joke Thread

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Old 01-31-2019, 08:18 PM   #2116  
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Old 02-02-2019, 07:29 PM   #2117  
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Old 02-03-2019, 08:02 AM   #2118  
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What does a Dallas Cowboys fan do when his team has won the Super Bowl?

He turns off the PlayStation.
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Old 02-05-2019, 04:42 PM   #2119  
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Old 02-10-2019, 09:06 AM   #2120  
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A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner, who wanted to reoccupy home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.

When he said, he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.

He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie (as we all know, lawyers cannot, and do not lie).

So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids

He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.

He loved one of the homes, and the price was right.

The agent asked: “How many children do you have?”

He answered: "Twelve."

The agent asked, "Where are the others?"

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, “They're in the cemetery with their mother."
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Old 02-10-2019, 02:32 PM   #2121  
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1. My goal for 2019 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.

2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza, are you happy?

3. How to prepare Tofu:

a. Throw it in the trash

b. Grill some meat, chicken, or fish, or even better, a burger and fries.

4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
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Old 02-13-2019, 03:57 PM   #2122  
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Late one night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe
you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember
that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped
cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice
cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'
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Old 02-14-2019, 01:11 PM   #2123  
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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ' Rose , what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
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Old 02-15-2019, 09:02 AM   #2124  
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A man was seated next to a blonde on an airplane. Shortly after the take off, he turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The blonde, who had just started texting on her phone, turned it off and said to the man, “What would you like to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the man. “How about nuclear power?” he smiled.

“OK,” she said, “that could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass – yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

The man, visibly surprised by the blonde’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the blonde replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit.”
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Old 02-16-2019, 11:34 AM   #2125  
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1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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Old 02-18-2019, 09:25 AM   #2126  
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Old 02-18-2019, 12:22 PM   #2127  
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Old 02-19-2019, 06:36 PM   #2128  
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Old 02-20-2019, 08:54 PM   #2129  
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A State Trooper pulled an 87 yr old woman over for speeding. As he looked at her drivers license he was surprised to notice that attached to it was a conceal weapon permit. Taken aback, he couldn't help but ask if she had a gun in her possession. She replied in her crackly voice that she indeed did have a 45 automatic in her glove compartment. The trooper then asked if she had any other weapons to which she replied that she also had a 9mm Glock in her center console. The shocked trooper asked if that was all and the little old lady held up her purse and replied, "Well, I do keep a 38 special in my purse." Finally the astonished trooper asked, "What are you afraid of..? and the little old lady smiled and replied, "Not a Fucking thing."
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Old 02-21-2019, 12:27 PM   #2130  
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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Nah, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'
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