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The Official HDF Joke Thread

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Old 12-31-2018, 04:40 PM   #2071  
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Old 01-04-2019, 07:51 AM   #2072  
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Your mate doesn't need bread alone.

He or she needs to be buttered up from time to time.
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Old 01-05-2019, 05:50 PM   #2073  
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Old 01-05-2019, 09:04 PM   #2074  
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An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in their home.

"Just think," the old man says, "we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago."

"Well," the old lady snickers, "what do you say -- should we get naked?"

The two immediately strip to the buff and sit back down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady says slyly, "My breasts burn for you now as they did 50 years ago."

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"
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Old 01-05-2019, 09:05 PM   #2075  
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A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."

He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't you wait up for me."
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Old 01-06-2019, 07:14 PM   #2076  
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Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked more like a Sumo wrestler than woman.

I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH AN OLD RETIRED GUY
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Old 01-07-2019, 09:50 PM   #2077  
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I was eating breakfast with my teenage granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is it tomorrow?"

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's U.S. Congressman’s Day!"

She's pretty smart, so I asked her, "What does that mean?"

I was not ready for what she was about to say, and she replied, " U.S. Congressman's Day is when they step out of the Capital Building and see their shadow, and we have 2 more years of Bullshit."

Do you know how much it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose
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Old 01-09-2019, 07:22 AM   #2078  
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Old 01-09-2019, 05:13 PM   #2079  
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The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.



A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.



Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout “Mickey Mouse?”



Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout…..



Donald duck!
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Old 01-09-2019, 07:26 PM   #2080  
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Old 01-10-2019, 12:00 PM   #2081  
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Old 01-12-2019, 02:03 PM   #2082  
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Old 01-12-2019, 04:12 PM   #2083  
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Old 01-13-2019, 03:05 PM   #2084  
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Old 01-14-2019, 09:31 AM   #2085  
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