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Old 11-22-2018, 08:07 AM   #2026  
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A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life. He said, "You got to sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."

So the cowboy did this religiously everyday and sure enough he lived to the right old age of 96.

He left behind four children, eight grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
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Old 11-24-2018, 09:05 PM   #2027  
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The Coyote Principle

CALIFORNIA

• The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.

• The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

• He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

• He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

• The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

• The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

• The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

• The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

• The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training for the nature of coyotes.

• PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.

TEXAS

• The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

• The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

• The buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.
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Old 11-25-2018, 04:46 PM   #2028  
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Old 11-26-2018, 10:52 AM   #2029  
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Old 11-27-2018, 11:46 AM   #2030  
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Wife: What do you want for supper? Savory beef, mouth-watering salmon or luscious chicken?

Husband: I'll have the mouth watering salmon.

Wife: I was talking to the cat.
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Old 11-29-2018, 09:45 AM   #2031  
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Old 11-29-2018, 11:08 AM   #2032  
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Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table,
At which he's fed.

Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.

Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for
peanuts anyway!

Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.

Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.

Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries
Tax his tears.

Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass.

Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers;
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.

Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid...

Put these words
Upon his tomb,
'Taxes drove me
to my doom...'

When he's gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance tax.
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax (currently 44.75 cents per gallon)
Gross Receipts Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Personal Property Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service Charge Tax
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Sales Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Nonrecurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, & our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What in the heck happened? Can you spell 'politicians?'
I hope this goes around THE USA at least 545 times!!! YOU can help it get there!!!

GO AHEAD. . . BE AN AMERICAN!!!
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Old 12-02-2018, 08:27 PM   #2033  
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Old 12-02-2018, 08:28 PM   #2034  
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Old 12-03-2018, 06:44 AM   #2035  
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Old 12-03-2018, 10:00 AM   #2036  
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Old 12-03-2018, 12:44 PM   #2037  
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Old 12-05-2018, 09:13 AM   #2038  
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Old 12-05-2018, 06:54 PM   #2039  
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Studies show that cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them.

It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.
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Old 12-06-2018, 07:51 AM   #2040  
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