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The Official HDF Joke Thread

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Old 10-06-2018, 06:57 PM   #1996  
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A husband and wife are shopping in their local HEB. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife. They carry on with their shopping. A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

That's him on Aisle 5.

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Old 10-08-2018, 07:57 PM   #1997  
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Old 10-11-2018, 11:01 AM   #1998  
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Q: Did you hear about the Cowboy fan that died at a pie eating contest?

A: The cow kicked him in the head!
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Old 10-15-2018, 01:15 PM   #1999  
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Old 10-16-2018, 08:09 AM   #2000  
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I'm going to legally change my name to Charity. Perfect for people who leave their money to charity.
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Old 10-18-2018, 05:07 PM   #2001  
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Old 10-19-2018, 07:11 AM   #2002  
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The first guy to discover milk probably did a lot of other weird shit.
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Old 10-19-2018, 06:53 PM   #2003  
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Old 10-20-2018, 08:51 AM   #2004  
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Old 10-23-2018, 07:37 AM   #2005  
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I saw two guys with matching outfits and asked them if they were gay.

They arrested me.
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Old 10-23-2018, 03:06 PM   #2006  
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Old 10-23-2018, 05:42 PM   #2007  
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A nun gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.


He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
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Old 10-24-2018, 05:50 AM   #2008  
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I named my dog "5 Miles" so I can tell people that I walk 5 miles every day.
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Old 10-24-2018, 07:43 AM   #2009  
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Old 10-25-2018, 06:03 PM   #2010  
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They are coming out with an alphabet soup that contains a laxative also. They are going to call it "LETTER RIP"
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