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The Official HDF Joke Thread

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Old 08-24-2018, 12:56 AM   #1966
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there are two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I will be at work soon. You got a nice house."
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Old 08-24-2018, 06:47 AM   #1967
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Quote:
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there are two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I will be at work soon. You got a nice house."
????
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Old 08-24-2018, 01:34 PM   #1968
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Quote:
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????
"He didn't post the beginning of the joke.

Hung Chow calls into work and says he is not feeling well. His boss says, whenever I feel bad I have sex with my wife and I feel much better."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I will be at work soon. You got a nice house."
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Old 08-29-2018, 07:04 AM   #1969
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Old 08-29-2018, 09:18 AM   #1970
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Food for thought.

Wouldn't it be ironic if Popeye's Fried Chicken was fried in olive oil?
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Old 08-29-2018, 02:17 PM   #1971
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Ed and Linda met on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. When they got back home, he immediately started asking her out.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love.

Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Linda paused, then responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
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Old 09-03-2018, 07:49 AM   #1972
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Old 09-03-2018, 05:05 PM   #1973
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MISSING PERSON Report

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Officer: Age?

Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.

Officer: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER : Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

OFFICER : Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think Never really noticed.

OFFICER : Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

OFFICER : What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

OFFICER : What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

OFFICER : What kind of truck was it?

Husband : A 2017, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 .with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting. At this point the husband started choking up.

OFFICER : Take it easy sir, We'll find your truck
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Old 09-04-2018, 08:55 AM   #1974
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A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut ... then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

"The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

..... Love the Dad's reply!

"Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
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Old 09-09-2018, 01:09 PM   #1975
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A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket!
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon regaining consciousness, the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. .........'Your horse phoned'
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Old 09-09-2018, 01:43 PM   #1976
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Old 09-14-2018, 08:34 AM   #1977
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Bob was sitting on the plane at Cleveland waiting to fly to Chicago, when a guy took the seat beside him.

The guy was an emotional wreck…pale, hands shaking in fear.

"What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked.

"No, it's not that. I've been transferred to Chicago. The people are crazy there, right? Lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest crime rate in the USA."

Bob replied, "I've lived in Chicago all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. I've worked there for 14 years and never had the slightest trouble."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you've lived and worked there all those years and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
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Old Yesterday, 06:25 AM   #1978
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4 out of 3 people agree there are 3 kinds of people in this world.

Those who are good at math and those who aren't.
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Old Yesterday, 09:41 AM   #1979
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My farts are like my opinions . . . I try to hold them in as long as I can, but when I finally let one go . . . it usually clears the room instantly.
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Old Today, 06:58 AM   #1980
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Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cows. Cows make milk and milk makes ice cream. And ice cream can make you happy.
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