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The Official HDF Joke Thread

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Old 03-11-2018, 04:02 PM   #1801
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Old 03-14-2018, 04:04 PM   #1802
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Old 03-14-2018, 06:50 PM   #1803
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A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was... a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”
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Old 03-16-2018, 02:51 PM   #1804
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An Irishman's first drink with his son

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer … so we tried a Jameson's; nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky ... He wouldn't even smell it -- What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!
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Old 03-18-2018, 01:58 PM   #1805
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Old 03-18-2018, 01:59 PM   #1806
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Old 03-18-2018, 02:02 PM   #1807
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Old 03-18-2018, 02:18 PM   #1808
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Two friends die. One goes to Heaven and the other goes to Hell. The one that goes to Heaven begs the angel to let him visit his friend in Hell, and the angel agrees. He gets to Hell and sees his friend surrounded by beautiful women and alcohol everywhere. He says to his friend, "Wow, you were a son of a bitch when we were alive! Hell looks better than Heaven." So the friend in Hell says, "Pour yourself a glass of wine." The heavenly friend pours the wine, and notices that the glass has no bottom. The good friend looks at the bad one in confusion, and the bad friend says, "The glass has no bottom, and neither do the girls. Welcome to Hell!"
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Old 03-18-2018, 02:21 PM   #1809
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Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia and get lost. They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented, but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives. The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him. As a punishment, he tells them that their penises will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation.
He asks the first guy what his job was.
"I'm an employee at the shooting range," he replies.
"Then we'll shoot your dick off!" the prince says.
"I'm a fireman," the second guy says.
"Then we'll burn your cock off!" says the prince.
The third guy smiles and says, "I'm a lollipop salesman."
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Old 03-18-2018, 02:22 PM   #1810
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A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders. As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"
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Old 03-20-2018, 07:59 PM   #1811
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At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said,
“I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”

“Good question ,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. “What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”

“Ah, yes,” replied the CFO, realizing that the auditor was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster.”

“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.

“Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?”

“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CFO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete Dick.”
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Old 03-22-2018, 03:01 PM   #1812
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Old 03-22-2018, 06:03 PM   #1813
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A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole at the local course when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first two holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and ​ ​liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro asked, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."
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Old 03-24-2018, 01:11 PM   #1814
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A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.

He quietly asked a girl, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied, in a loud voice, "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

Everyone in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and whispered with a quiet laugh, "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I’ll bet you felt embarrassed, right?"

The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"

Everyone in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The man whispered to her, "I study law and I know how to screw people."
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Old 03-24-2018, 01:28 PM   #1815
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On April Fool’s Day 1998, Burger King published a full-page advert in USA Today announcing the launch of a new product: the left-handed Whopper. It claimed the Whopper had been ‘rotated 180 degrees to ensure a better grip’ and sesame seeds on the bun has been re-positioned ‘favoring a left-handed eating technique’. It revealed the hoax the following day, after thousands had requested the burger in restaurants across the country.
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