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The Official HDF Joke Thread

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Old 02-06-2018, 07:18 AM   #1771
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Old 02-07-2018, 07:26 AM   #1772
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Old 02-08-2018, 08:39 AM   #1773
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Back and forth. . . in and out. . . in and out . . . a little to the right. . a little to the left . . . she could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . between her breasts. . and, trickling down the small of her back. . . she was getting near to the end.

He was in ecstasy. . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved. . . forwards then backwards. . forward then backward. again. . . and again. . . her heart was pounding now. . . her face was flushed . . . she moaned softly at first, then began to groan louder . . finally . . . totally exhausted .

She let out a piercing scream . . . . "OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"
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Old 02-08-2018, 12:36 PM   #1774
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My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine's Day she’s getting a magazine rack!
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Old 02-09-2018, 01:05 PM   #1775
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was THE pharmacist.
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Old 02-10-2018, 08:56 AM   #1776
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Old 02-10-2018, 07:47 PM   #1777
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MUSLIMS

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Lets have a look at the evidence:

- No Christmas
- No television
- No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
- More than one wife
- More than one mother-in-law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkey
- You cook over burning camel shit
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- And your wife smells worse than your donkey

Then they tell you that, "when you die, it all gets better?"

Well, no Shit, Sherlock!

It's not like it could get much worse !
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Old 02-11-2018, 08:52 PM   #1778
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Old 02-11-2018, 08:53 PM   #1779
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Old 02-12-2018, 09:59 AM   #1780
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Old 02-15-2018, 08:58 AM   #1781
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I bought a new Dodge 3500 Ram Tri-Flex Fuel Truck. It will run on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.

I took it back to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The service technician explained that the radio was voice-activated.

‘Nelson', the technician said to the radio.

The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued, and 'On the Road Again’ came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'Georgia on My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, ‘Beethoven', I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, ‘Beatles', I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Well, yesterday, some old lady ran a red light and nearly smashed into my new truck, but luckily I swerved in time to avoid her. I yelled, 'You Crazy Bitch!'

Immediately the radio responded with, “Ladies and gentlemen, The Democratic Leader and speaker of the House ...Nancy Pelosi!”

Damn, I love this truck.
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Old 02-16-2018, 06:57 AM   #1782
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The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they're thinking "Why don't you just eat ALL the food?"
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Old 02-19-2018, 04:09 PM   #1783
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Donald is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"

Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I meant to shout "Donald duck!"
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Old 02-21-2018, 08:03 AM   #1784
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My wife asked me if I knew what her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response.
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Old 02-21-2018, 04:54 PM   #1785
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When interviewer asks you what you make at your current job

Apparently they don't expect you to say, “stupid mistakes and inappropriate comments”.
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