High Def Forum - Your High Definition Community & High Definition Resource

Go Back   High Def Forum - Your High Definition Community & High Definition Resource > Off Topic Discussion > No Topic Forum
Rules HDTV Forum Gallery LINK TO US! RSS - High Def Forum AddThis Feed Button AddThis Social Bookmark Button Groups

No Topic Forum Please keep it clean and no politics. RSS - No Topic Forum

Like Tree530Likes

The Official HDF Joke Thread

Reply
AddThis Social Bookmark Button
 
Thread Tools
Old 01-06-2018, 07:26 PM   #1756
HDF SUPER-MODERATOR
 
ImRizzo's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Brooklyn & LI,NY ..not a Place, it's an Attitude, *I'm Mixing up a fresh pitcher of KoolAid
Posts: 23,069
Default

rbinck likes this.
__________________
*
LG OLED-55B6P~Oppo UDP203~Sony XBR929~Denon3311CI~Mirage Omnisat V2 Spks w/S10SW~DVP5000~Harmony1100

ImRizzo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-07-2018, 05:33 PM   #1757
HDF SUPER-MODERATOR
 
ImRizzo's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Brooklyn & LI,NY ..not a Place, it's an Attitude, *I'm Mixing up a fresh pitcher of KoolAid
Posts: 23,069
Default

Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon said, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded."
The second surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The third surgeon shut them up when he said, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There'...s no guts, no heart, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the butt are interchangeable..."
lsilvest likes this.
__________________
*
LG OLED-55B6P~Oppo UDP203~Sony XBR929~Denon3311CI~Mirage Omnisat V2 Spks w/S10SW~DVP5000~Harmony1100

ImRizzo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-11-2018, 08:34 AM   #1758
HDF SUPER-MODERATOR
 
ImRizzo's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Brooklyn & LI,NY ..not a Place, it's an Attitude, *I'm Mixing up a fresh pitcher of KoolAid
Posts: 23,069
Default

RING))))



**Pick Up**



"Hello?"



"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"



"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "



After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul "



"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"



Brief Pause



"Uh, okay then, .this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"



"Okay Daddy, just a minute"



A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.



"I did it Daddy"



"And what happened honey?" he asked



"Well, Mommy! got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"



Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"



"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"



***Long Pause***



Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??"... Is this 486-5731??
rbinck likes this.
__________________
*
LG OLED-55B6P~Oppo UDP203~Sony XBR929~Denon3311CI~Mirage Omnisat V2 Spks w/S10SW~DVP5000~Harmony1100

ImRizzo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-11-2018, 11:40 AM   #1759
Muscle Cars Forever!
 
Lee Stewart's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Albuquerque, NM
Posts: 45,657
Default

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:

'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.
rbinck likes this.
Lee Stewart is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 01-15-2018, 12:10 PM   #1760
HDF SUPER-MODERATOR
 
ImRizzo's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Brooklyn & LI,NY ..not a Place, it's an Attitude, *I'm Mixing up a fresh pitcher of KoolAid
Posts: 23,069
Default

Did I read that sign right?
“TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.”
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------------
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------------
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --
Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------
Spotted in a safari park:
(I sure hope so.)
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------------
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife
And Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya' think?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works better than a fair trial!
----------------------------- ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya' think?!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************** ****************************** ********************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
****************************** ****************************** ****************************** ****
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
****************************** ****************************** ****************************** *****
And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
****************************** ***********
__________________
*
LG OLED-55B6P~Oppo UDP203~Sony XBR929~Denon3311CI~Mirage Omnisat V2 Spks w/S10SW~DVP5000~Harmony1100

ImRizzo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-16-2018, 09:51 PM   #1761
Muscle Cars Forever!
 
Lee Stewart's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Albuquerque, NM
Posts: 45,657
Default

Lee Stewart is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 01-19-2018, 09:53 AM   #1762
HDF SUPER-MODERATOR
 
ImRizzo's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Brooklyn & LI,NY ..not a Place, it's an Attitude, *I'm Mixing up a fresh pitcher of KoolAid
Posts: 23,069
Default

People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:



* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."



That's Direct Marketing.



______________________________





* You're a woman and you're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."



That's Advertising



_____________________________





* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."



That's Telemarketing.



______________________________





* You're a woman and you see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."



That's Public Relations.



______________________________





* You're a woman and you're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."



That's Brand Recognition.



______________________________





*You're a woman and you're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.



That's a Sales Rep.



______________________________





* You're a woman and your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.



That's Tech Support.



______________________________





* You're a woman and you are on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"



That's Facebook.



______________________________





*If you are a man and secretly disclose a list of names of those women who are fantastic in bed,



That's "Insider Trading."



______________________________





* You're a woman and you are at a party; this attractive wealthy older man walks up to you and grabs you.



That's Bill Clinton



______________________________





* You didn't mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.



That's America!
rbinck and Lee Stewart like this.
__________________
*
LG OLED-55B6P~Oppo UDP203~Sony XBR929~Denon3311CI~Mirage Omnisat V2 Spks w/S10SW~DVP5000~Harmony1100

ImRizzo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-23-2018, 08:57 AM   #1763
HDF SUPER-MODERATOR
 
ImRizzo's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Brooklyn & LI,NY ..not a Place, it's an Attitude, *I'm Mixing up a fresh pitcher of KoolAid
Posts: 23,069
Default

What’s the world coming to?



Is this what this world is coming to?????







Hello,



Is this Gordon’s Pizza?



No sir - it's Google Pizza.



I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.



No sir - Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month.



OK. I would like to order a pizza.



Do you want your usual, sir?



My usual - you know me?



According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses - sausage - pepperoni - mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust.



OK - that's what I want .



May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta - arugula - sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat, gluten free, thin crust?



What? I detest vegetables.



Your cholesterol is not good, sir.



How the hell do you know that?



Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.



Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.



Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drugsale Network, 4 months ago.



I bought more from another drugstore.



That doesn't show on your credit card statement.



I paid in cash.



But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.



I have other sources of cash.



That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.



WHAT THE HELL? ! ! ! !



I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.



Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google - Facebook - Twitter - WhatsApp and all the others!! I'm going to an island without internet - cable TV - where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me !!



I understand sir - but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago!!
rbinck likes this.
__________________
*
LG OLED-55B6P~Oppo UDP203~Sony XBR929~Denon3311CI~Mirage Omnisat V2 Spks w/S10SW~DVP5000~Harmony1100

ImRizzo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-23-2018, 09:59 AM   #1764
HDF SUPER-MODERATOR
 
ImRizzo's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Brooklyn & LI,NY ..not a Place, it's an Attitude, *I'm Mixing up a fresh pitcher of KoolAid
Posts: 23,069
Default

rbinck likes this.
__________________
*
LG OLED-55B6P~Oppo UDP203~Sony XBR929~Denon3311CI~Mirage Omnisat V2 Spks w/S10SW~DVP5000~Harmony1100

ImRizzo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-23-2018, 02:34 PM   #1765
Administrator
 
rbinck's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Katy, Texas
Posts: 16,785
Default

rbinck is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-23-2018, 08:28 PM   #1766
HDF SUPER-MODERATOR
 
ImRizzo's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Brooklyn & LI,NY ..not a Place, it's an Attitude, *I'm Mixing up a fresh pitcher of KoolAid
Posts: 23,069
Default

YES, HE BIT 24 PEOPLE, BUT...

IN RESPONSE TO ALL THE RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT OUR DOG: I AM SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT HIM.
YES, HE BIT 6 PEOPLE WEARING OBAMA T-SHIRTS...
4 PEOPLE WEARING HILLARY T-SHIRTS...
2 CAR DRIVERS WITH BERNIE SANDERS BUMPER STICKERS...
9 TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THEIR ASS CRACKS...
2 FLAG BURNERS...
AND A PAKISTANI TAXI DRIVER.
SO FOR THE LAST TIME...



THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!



AND NO, I DO NOT APPROVE OF HIS SMOKING, BUT HE SAYS IT HELPS GET THE "BAD TASTE" OUT OF HIS MOUTH.
__________________
*
LG OLED-55B6P~Oppo UDP203~Sony XBR929~Denon3311CI~Mirage Omnisat V2 Spks w/S10SW~DVP5000~Harmony1100

ImRizzo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-24-2018, 07:46 PM   #1767
HDF SUPER-MODERATOR
 
ImRizzo's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Brooklyn & LI,NY ..not a Place, it's an Attitude, *I'm Mixing up a fresh pitcher of KoolAid
Posts: 23,069
Default

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.



He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked,



'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'



His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse’



‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.



A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.’
__________________
*
LG OLED-55B6P~Oppo UDP203~Sony XBR929~Denon3311CI~Mirage Omnisat V2 Spks w/S10SW~DVP5000~Harmony1100

ImRizzo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-02-2018, 09:02 AM   #1768
Muscle Cars Forever!
 
Lee Stewart's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Albuquerque, NM
Posts: 45,657
Default

Lee Stewart is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 02-03-2018, 08:38 AM   #1769
HDF SUPER-MODERATOR
 
ImRizzo's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Brooklyn & LI,NY ..not a Place, it's an Attitude, *I'm Mixing up a fresh pitcher of KoolAid
Posts: 23,069
Default

A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression “I presume”.
One little girl held up her hand and said: “Yesterday ... my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken.”
“Very good” said the teacher.
Another one said: “This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage, I presume that the BMW wouldn’t start.”
“That’s excellent” says the teacher.
Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says: “Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the woods, I presume that..."
The teacher interrupts him and says,
“I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can’t presume anything."
Johnny says, “Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence.”
The teacher says, “Very well. Continue.”

As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the woods with a newspaper under his arm.
I presume he was going for a shit because he can’t read
.”
__________________
*
LG OLED-55B6P~Oppo UDP203~Sony XBR929~Denon3311CI~Mirage Omnisat V2 Spks w/S10SW~DVP5000~Harmony1100

ImRizzo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-03-2018, 10:36 AM   #1770
HDF SUPER-MODERATOR
 
ImRizzo's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Brooklyn & LI,NY ..not a Place, it's an Attitude, *I'm Mixing up a fresh pitcher of KoolAid
Posts: 23,069
Default

I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.

"I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was paroled."
rbinck likes this.
__________________
*
LG OLED-55B6P~Oppo UDP203~Sony XBR929~Denon3311CI~Mirage Omnisat V2 Spks w/S10SW~DVP5000~Harmony1100

ImRizzo is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Go Back   High Def Forum - Your High Definition Community & High Definition Resource > Off Topic Discussion > No Topic Forum
AddThis Social Bookmark Button
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads to The Official HDF Joke Thread
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Bedroom TV Advice... Factor6 Rear-Projection TVs 27 09-26-2005 06:49 PM


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 12:49 AM.



Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0
Copyright 2004 - 2008, High Def Forum