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The Official HDF Joke Thread

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Old 01-06-2018, 07:26 PM   #1756
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Old 01-07-2018, 05:33 PM   #1757
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Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon said, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded."
The second surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The third surgeon shut them up when he said, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There'...s no guts, no heart, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the butt are interchangeable..."
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Old 01-11-2018, 08:34 AM   #1758
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RING))))



**Pick Up**



"Hello?"



"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"



"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "



After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul "



"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"



Brief Pause



"Uh, okay then, .this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"



"Okay Daddy, just a minute"



A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.



"I did it Daddy"



"And what happened honey?" he asked



"Well, Mommy! got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"



Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"



"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"



***Long Pause***



Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??"... Is this 486-5731??
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Old 01-11-2018, 11:40 AM   #1759
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A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:

'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.
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Old 01-15-2018, 12:10 PM   #1760
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Did I read that sign right?
“TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.”
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------------
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------------
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --
Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------
Spotted in a safari park:
(I sure hope so.)
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------------
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife
And Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya' think?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works better than a fair trial!
----------------------------- ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya' think?!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************** ****************************** ********************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
****************************** ****************************** ****************************** ****
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
****************************** ****************************** ****************************** *****
And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
****************************** ***********
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Old Yesterday, 09:51 PM   #1761
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