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Old 11-16-2017, 11:49 AM   #1726
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Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night. One night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer.



He says, "My Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?"



"What dear?" she asked gently.



"I think you're bad luck."
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Old 11-16-2017, 11:51 AM   #1727
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Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant' she is furious. Here she's about to run for senator of New York and this has happened to her. She calls Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:



"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you??!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Your fault!!! Well, what have you got to say???"



There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.



She screams again, "Did you hear me??!!"



Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"
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Old 11-16-2017, 11:52 AM   #1728
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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.



One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."



Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?
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Old 11-18-2017, 11:15 AM   #1729
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A Texan died and ascended into Heaven.



St. Peter met him and welcomed him saying "You will certainly enjoy Paradise."



The Texan shook his head sadly and said "I always thought that TEXAS was Paradise."



St. Peter said "Well, let me show you what we have to offer." He took the Texan to an area that had a beautiful river flowing through it with wildlife and flowers everywhere. "Isn't this beautiful?" said St. Peter.



The Texan replied, "Yes, but not as pretty as the area around SAN ANTONIO."



Somewhat ruffled, St. Peter took him to another area where there were rolling hills, whitetail deer and bluebonnets and Indian Paintbrush everywhere...picture perfect! "Now" said St. Peter "Have you ever seen anything so wonderful?"



The Texan paused and said "Yes, it is beautiful but it does not hold a candle to the TEXAS HILL COUNTRY in the springtime."



Becoming more upset, St. Peter then took the Texan to a beautiful white beach, with gentle waves, and an azure sky. "Now have you seen anything this beautiful in Texas" said St. Peter.



The Texan smiled and said "I guess you've never ever been to SOUTH PADRE ISLAND".



At this point, St. Peter took the Texan to a large rock. On the side of the rock was a huge iron door. St. Peter opened the door and they stepped into an elevator and started going down.



As they descended, it grew more and more hot. When the elevator door opened, it revealed the fires of damnation in Hell. St. Peter said, "Now, have you got anything in Texas that can top that?"



The Texan thought a moment and shook his head. "No, but I know a couple of old boys from HOUSTON that can put that thing out for you."
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Old 11-19-2017, 08:12 AM   #1730
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A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.



He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.



The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, 'but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer.



This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.



After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out.



He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.



"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.



Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"



After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."
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Old 11-19-2017, 02:20 PM   #1731
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Why are we still there?



Sorry to get all political on you guys, but I thought this was such a poignant message that I had to pass it on.



It's time to re-evaluate our involvement!



Every day there are news reports about more deaths.

Every night on TV there are photos of death and destruction.

Why are we still there?



We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble.

Why are we still there?



Many of our children go there and never come back.

Why are we still there?



Their government is unstable and they have lousy leadership.

Why are we still there?



Many of their people are uncivilized.

Why are we still there?



The place is subject to natural disasters, of which we are supposed to bail them out.

Why are we still there?



There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do not understand.

Why are we still there?



Their folkways, foods, and fads are unfathomable to ordinary Americans.

Why are we still there?



We can't even secure the borders.

Why are we still there?



They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more.

Why are we still there?



It is becoming clear... We must pull out of California!!!!
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Old 11-20-2017, 08:16 AM   #1732
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An elderly retired helicopter pilot moved into a retirement community where eligible men were at a premium.



After he had been there for a week, he went to confession and said "Bless me Father for I have sinned. Last week I was with seven different women."



The priest replied, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."



"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"



"No," said the priest "but it will wipe that grin off your face."
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Old 11-20-2017, 08:30 AM   #1733
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A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man. The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.

"So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.
"I am a biblical scholar," he replied.

"A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"
"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.

The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.

Later, the mother asked, "How did it go, honey?"

The father answered, "He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I'm God."
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Old 11-20-2017, 08:40 AM   #1734
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SIX PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH

He never got married.

He never held a steady job.

He went out drinking with the lads the night before he died.

His last request was a drink

He lived with his parents until he was 33.

He thought his mother was a virgin, and she, bless her, She thought he was God.
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Old 11-22-2017, 07:52 AM   #1735
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A tip for Christmas:

Wrap a bunch of empty boxes and put them under the tree. Every time your kids act up get one and throw it in the fireplace.
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Old 11-30-2017, 08:24 AM   #1736
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God addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"



Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me."



God thinks for a second and says, "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right."



God then addresses Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"



"I believe you're in my chair !"
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Old 11-30-2017, 08:47 AM   #1737
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As we age, our priorities change ..



The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.



"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."



So, I tied her up and went fishing.
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Old 11-30-2017, 03:46 PM   #1738
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A lady walks into a store and tells the pharmacist she needs some Cyanide, the pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"



The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, I can not sell you cyanide!"



Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.



The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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Old 12-01-2017, 12:41 PM   #1739
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Irish Ghost Story
This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by.
The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door … only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t running. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road. So, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying, and wasn’t drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened the two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other …

“Look Paddy, there’s that fooking idiot that got into the car while we were pushing it!
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Old 12-03-2017, 01:58 PM   #1740
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Geeze, amazing how many are true!)

As I Get Older, I Realize...

#1 - I talk to myself because there are times I need expert
advice.
#2 - I consider "In Style" to be the clothes that still fit.
#3 - I don't need anger management. I need people to stop
pissing me off..
#4 - My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots
that needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that
down. I'll remember it."
#6 - I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.
#7 - These days, "on time" is when I get there.
#8 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the
sound.
#9 - Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the
dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and
three sizes smaller?
#10 - Lately, I've noticed people my age are so much older
than me.
#11 - "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and
remembering why I'm there.
#12 - When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment.
Now it feels like a mini-vacation.
#13 - Some days I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed.
#14 - I thought growing old would take longer.
#15 - Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn't shut me
up.
#16 - I still haven't learned to act my age.
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