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Old 11-03-2017, 06:54 AM   #1711
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Little Johnny comes home from church one Sunday and his mother notices the side of his face is bright red and bears the distinct imprint of a hand.



"What on earth happened?" she asked.



"Well,” answered the remorseful young man, "I was sittin' behind Mrs. Brown. When we stood up to sing I noticed her dress was wedged up in her 'you know what'. It din't look any too comfortable so I reached up

and pulled it out. She turned around and hit me!”



"Let that be a lesson to you." his mother counselled.



"Oh, yes, ma'am” replied Johnny.



A week passed and Johnny came home from church this time with a huge shiner. Again his mother asked what happened.



"I was sittin' behind Mrs. Brown, again. When we stood up to sing I noticed her dress was wedged up in her 'you know what' all over again.”



“You didn't pull it out again, did you?”



"Oh, no, ma'am! It was Jimbo sittin' next to me who pulled it out. But I knew she didn't like

that so I reached up and tucked it right back in!"
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Old 11-03-2017, 05:47 PM   #1712
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Does anyone know which page of the Bible explains how to turn water into wine?



Asking for a friend… ☺
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Old 11-03-2017, 06:27 PM   #1713
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A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her sixth grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly, there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.



She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Patrick?"



"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."



"Get out of my classroom," she yelled,



"I don't want to see you for three days."



The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reached to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.



She quickly turns and asked, "What's so funny Billy?"



"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."



Again she yelled, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe. I don't want to see you for three weeks."



Embarrassed and frustrated, she dropped the eraser when she turned around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there was an enormous burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turned to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.



"Where do you think you are going, Little Johnny?" she asks.



"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"
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Old 11-04-2017, 09:50 AM   #1714
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Mathematical Conversions (my apologies in advance)





1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet of silver in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbird

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
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Old 11-04-2017, 08:54 PM   #1715
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A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted tendollars and asked:

"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you MAD!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife"

The homeless man was astounded.

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied:

"That's okay, It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."
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Old 11-08-2017, 11:29 AM   #1716
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When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

'Warn all your friends.'
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Old 11-09-2017, 05:28 PM   #1717
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A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the
VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why
he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy - to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker
blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married
and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”
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Old 11-10-2017, 08:16 AM   #1718
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Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from Home Depot who installed them. The caller complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

​Just because I'm a Senior Citizen doesn't mean that I am automatically mentally challenged. ​

So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year--that these windows would pay for themselves in a year

"It's been a year, so they're paid for ​" I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.

He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
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Old 11-10-2017, 04:46 PM   #1719
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A recent article in the San Francisco Examiner reported that Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford Hospital, saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex".



A hospital spokesman replied:
"Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.”
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Old 11-11-2017, 12:38 PM   #1720
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Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old. Well......you'll love this one!



My name is alice smith and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dds diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate, after he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school .

"yes, yes i did. I'm a mustang! ' he gleamed with pride.

'when did you graduate?' i asked

he answered, in 1975. Why do you ask?

"you were in my class!" i exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then that ugly,

old,

bald,

wrinkled,

fat ass,

gray haired,

decrepit,

son of a bitch asked......

'what did you teach???
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Old 11-13-2017, 08:14 PM   #1721
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A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy.



The little boy says, "Dark in here."



The man says, "Yes, it is."



Boy - "I have a baseball."



Man - "That's nice."



Boy - "Want to buy it?"



Man - "No, thanks."



Boy - "My dad's outside."



Man - "OK, how much?"



Boy - "$250"



In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.



Boy - "Dark in here."



Man - "Yes, it is."



Boy - "I have a baseball glove."



The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"



Boy - "$750"



Man - "Fine."



A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a catch."



The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."



The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"



Boy - "$1,000."



The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that ...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."



They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.



The boy says, "Dark in here."



The priest says, "Oh no! Don't start that again."
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Old 11-14-2017, 11:48 AM   #1722
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Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says "I must tell you something; We have a case of Gonorrhea in the convent!"



A nun in the back says, "Thank God. I'm so tired of Zinfandel."
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Old 11-15-2017, 07:56 AM   #1723
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1st one said, "Man you don't know what I had to do to get here..... I had to

promise my wife that I'd paint the house next weekend."



2nd one said, "Man, that's nothing. I had to promise to build a deck for the

pool next weekend."



3rd one said, "You guys got it easy. I have to build a dog lot and do extra

chores all next week."



After a few minutes, they realize that the other one never said anything.

So, they asked him what gives.



He said, "You guys will never learn. When the alarm went off, I nudged my

wife and said, "Sex or fishing?", she told me not to forget my sweater."
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Old 11-15-2017, 06:46 PM   #1724
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An old man and woman are sitting around their apartment and the man decides to breach a sensitive subject. All their married life he has had to pay for sex with his wife and it has finally gotten the best of him.



He says, "Why have I had to pay for sex all these years?"



To which she responds, "See that apartment complex across the street? We own it!"



The guy is astonished!?



She continues, "See those two little strip malls over there? We own those too!"



The guy can't believe it.



She says, "See that string of fast food restaurants? We own those too!"



The guy is noticeably shaken and his wife says, "What's wrong? I thought you'd be happy?"



The old man says, "Well, I am, I just wish all these years that I'd given you all of my business!"
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Old 11-16-2017, 11:48 AM   #1725
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This couple owns a horse farm, and gets a call from a friend, who tells them, "I know this midget with a

speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I'm sending him over."



The midget arrives, and the owners ask if he wants a male or female horse.

"A female horth", the midget replies. So the owners show him a mare.



The midget says, "Wet me thee her feet." So they pick up and inspect all her feet.



"Nith looking horth, can you pick me up an' wet me thee her mouf?" So the guy picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.



"Nith mouf, hold me up a little higher tho I can thee her eyeths?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's eyes.



"Ok, waise me up a wittle higher tho I can wook in her eerths." Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the horses ears.



"OK, now, tan I see her twat?" With that, the owner picks up the midget walks around behind and shoves his head up the horse's vagina, then pulls him out.



Shaking his head and wiping his face, the midget says, "Perhapth I thould rephrathe that. Tan I thee her wun awownd?
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