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Old 10-02-2017, 01:46 PM   #1681
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Continued:
40. In democracy its your vote that counts. In feudalism its your count that votes.

41. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

42. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

43. Old skiers never die — they just go downhill.

44. A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

45. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

46. When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.

47. An office with many people and few electrical outlets could be in for a power struggle.

48. How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.

49. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.
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Old 10-03-2017, 05:55 PM   #1682
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Continued:

50. A pediatrician is a doctor of little patients.

51. Nylons give women a run for their money.

52. Talking to her about computer hardware I make my mother bored.

53. Ancient orators tended to Babylon.

54. The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card.

55. If you give some managers an inch they think they’re a ruler.

56. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

57. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

58. Old burglars never die they just steal away.

59. A lawyer for a church did some cross-examining
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Old 10-04-2017, 10:35 AM   #1683
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A father told each of his three children when he sent them to off to college, "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die".

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor and a financial planner - each very successful financially. His daughter went into law and pursued a career in government. When their father's time had come, as they saw their father in the coffin, each remembered his wish.

First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.

Then, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. She reached into her purse and took out her checkbook, then wrote a check for $3,000, put it into her father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash

You probably recall that she was defeated last November in the 2016 Presidential Election….
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Old 10-04-2017, 08:20 PM   #1684
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Second Girls Night Out.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m. (a bit loaded) I went home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him "midnight." He didn't seem mad at all. Whew!! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit," cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted
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Old 10-05-2017, 07:38 AM   #1685
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Continued:

60. Chronic illegal parkers suffer from parking zones disease.

61. Some people don’t like food going to waist.

62. A cannibal’s favorite game is ‘swallow the leader’.

63. You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

64. Girls who don’t get asked out as often as their friends could feel out-dated.

65. We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn’t even afford to pay attention.

66. A pet store had a bird contest with no perches necessary.

67. A backwards poet writes inverse.

68. If a lawyer can be disbarred can a musician be denoted or a model deposed?

69. Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
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Old 10-06-2017, 09:24 AM   #1686
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Continued:

70. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

71. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

72. When chemists die, we barium.

73. A long knife has been invented that cuts four loaves of bread at a time called a four loaf cleaver.

74. When the wheel was invented, it caused a revolution.

75. Two robbers with clubs went golfing, but they didn’t play the fairway.

76. Seven days without a pun makes one weak.

77. A circus lion won’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

78. A toothless termite walked into a tavern and said, “Is the bar tender here?”

79. Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was intense
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Old 10-06-2017, 04:59 PM   #1687
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NEW Wine for Seniors, I kid you not.....

Clare Valley vintners in South Australia, which primarily produce
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines,
have developed a new hybrid grape
that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips
older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as

PINOT MORE
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Old 10-07-2017, 10:35 AM   #1688
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Old 10-08-2017, 08:06 AM   #1689
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Ponderisms from my friend Fritz.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
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Old 10-08-2017, 08:12 AM   #1690
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Final continuation:
Here is the last of the hundred Pun-itive sentences. Hope you have enjoyed them.

90. When a new hive is done bees have a house swarming party.

91. Looting a drugstore is called Pillaging.

92. Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.

93. Old programmers never die, they just can’t C as well.

94. A music store had a small sign which read: Bach in a Minuet.

95. Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.

96. Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time.

97. A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.

98. A ditch digger was entrenched in his career.

99. A girl and her boyfriend went to a party as a barcode. They were an item.

100. A criminal’s best asset is his lie ability.
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Old 10-08-2017, 09:58 AM   #1691
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My Son Is a Veterinarian...

One Sunday, when counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cathouses - one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno."
.
.
.
.
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Old 10-11-2017, 07:21 PM   #1692
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A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young airman finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been cooped up here in Thule, Greenland, for more than 11 months now, without any leave. Reindeer asses are beginning to look pretty good to me right about now. I have one stripe; it's 0230 hours in the morning, the temperature is minus 40 F, and my job is to pump shit out of an aircraft."
"Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind, Sir?
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Old 10-13-2017, 07:35 AM   #1693
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When asked, "Don't you think Bill's behavior was as bad as Harvey Weinstein's ?"

Hillary replied, "Close, but no cigar."
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Old 10-13-2017, 04:09 PM   #1694
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rbinck View Post
When asked, "Don't you think Bill's behavior was as bad as Harvey Weinstein's ?"

Hillary replied, "Close, but no cigar."

Monica quit smoking after that.....
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Old 10-18-2017, 02:24 AM   #1695
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A couple was getting a divorce and the issue of who their 9 year old boy was going to live with was being contested.
Judge: Do you want to live with your mother?
Boy: No sir, she beats me.
Judge: Do you want to live with your father?
Boy: No sir, he beats me.
Judge: Do you want to live with your grandparents?
Boy: No sir, they beat me too.
Judge: Then who do you want to live with?
Boy: The Cleveland Browns. They don't beat anybody.
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