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Old 08-30-2017, 08:36 AM   #1651
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During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level

He described a typical day this way: 'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.'

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, 'You must be one hell of an outdoors man!'



'NAH,' he replied, 'I'm just a shitty golfer.'
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Old 08-31-2017, 01:34 PM   #1652
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A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2016 7 Series BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.



The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"


Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"



The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iphone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.




The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...



Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5 and, after a few minutes, receives a response.



Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."



"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.



He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.


Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"



The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"




"You're a Congressman from the U.S. Government", says Bud.




"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"



"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know crap about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter”.



“This is a herd of sheep.”


“Now give me back my dog.”
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Old 08-31-2017, 06:58 PM   #1653
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Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.

Tom wanted two things:

• to learn how to invest his inheritance and,

• to find a wife to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.

Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men…
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Old 09-01-2017, 04:15 PM   #1654
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A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing across the room, alone. She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello, my name is Carmen.”

He replied, “That is a beautiful name. Is it a family name?”

She answered, “No, as a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents the two things that I enjoy most – cars and men. Therefore, I chose Carmen.” Then she asked, “What’s your name?”

He answered, “B.J. Titsengolf”
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Old 09-01-2017, 06:01 PM   #1655
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A wild eyed old woman walked into a crowded bar in downtown Washington , DC waiving an un-holstered pistol and yelled out, “I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911, with a seven round magazine, plus one in the chamber.

I want to know who’s been sleeping with my husband?"

A female voice from the back of the room called out, “You Need More Ammo Hillary!"
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Old 09-02-2017, 06:57 AM   #1656
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A guy is walking his German Shepherd downtown on a hot day and gets thirsty. Sees a bar, walks in, and orders a beer. The Bartender says, "We don't allow dogs in here so I can't serve you until you take the dog back outside". The guy says, "I am mostly blind and this is my service dog". The Bartender says "In that case, you can keep him with you, here's your Beer." the guy sits at a table near the entrance and sips his beer. He sees another guy walking towards the bar with his pet Chiwawa. The guy intercepts him before he enters the bar and tells him the no dogs policy but the exemption for service dogs. The guy thanks him and enters the bar and orders a beer. The Bartender tells him "We don't let dogs in here ... etc." The guy says back "I am blind and this is my guide dog". The Bartender looks at the little dog and is skeptical. He says, "When did they start handing out Chiwawas as guide dogs?" The guy is in shock "You mean they gave me a Chiwawa?"
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Old 09-08-2017, 08:24 PM   #1657
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A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
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Old 09-09-2017, 08:02 AM   #1658
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Old 09-11-2017, 04:13 AM   #1659
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Old 09-12-2017, 09:42 AM   #1660
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THE ITALIAN POKER CLUB



Six retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $1,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table!
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"


They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.


"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"

So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $1,000 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."


"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.


"I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.
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Old 09-15-2017, 07:27 PM   #1661
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Old 09-20-2017, 07:51 AM   #1662
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For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.
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Old 09-21-2017, 01:50 AM   #1663
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Which of the following names are you familiar with?


1. Monica Lewinsky
2. Spiro Agnew
3. Benito Mussolini
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Alfonse Capone
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods
















You had trouble with #5, didn't you?













You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, loose women and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope??
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Old 09-21-2017, 03:56 PM   #1664
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Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said, "I don't have anyone to talk to."
God told Adam He was going to make him a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you. She will always agree with every decision you make.
She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
"An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history....!
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Old 09-22-2017, 07:26 AM   #1665
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A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk front. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.”

The agent replied, “I am sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?”

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: “May I have your attention, please,” she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone
can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.”

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore “F*** you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to get in line for that, too.”
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