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Old 07-18-2017, 01:55 PM   #1621
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Old 07-20-2017, 01:52 PM   #1622
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An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.

The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
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Old 07-21-2017, 01:45 PM   #1623
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The Irish never hesitate to come to the aid of their fellow man...air passengers, in this case!

Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening

Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston,

the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service.

I don't know how this has happened, but we have103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals.

I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,

"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat,

will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight.”

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:
"If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."
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Old 07-22-2017, 11:45 AM   #1624
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A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station. As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked,



"Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"



The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street

two blocks and turn to your right. It's on the left."



The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said,

"I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday,

I'll show you how to get to Heaven."



The little boy replied with a chuckle; "You're shitting me, right?

You can't even find the Post Office."
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Old 07-22-2017, 05:35 PM   #1625
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Old 07-23-2017, 07:54 PM   #1626
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The Grumpy Pharmacist

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, "Just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys."

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

"Believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
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Old 07-24-2017, 08:21 PM   #1627
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Old 07-28-2017, 04:15 PM   #1628
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Old 07-29-2017, 12:19 PM   #1629
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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

=====================

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

==============

Paddy was in New York .

e was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.





He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

=====================

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

=====================

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

==================

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken shit!

==================

Patrick staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patrick sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Patrick woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patrick said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
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Old 07-29-2017, 06:15 PM   #1630
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This story has had many iterations and attributions - so just treat it as Apocrypha. It is still hilarious, regardless of who wrote it.

The question was: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Theresa during my freshman year that "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and we take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore, leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Theresa kept shouting, "Oh my God."
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Old 08-01-2017, 08:53 AM   #1631
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I just got a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 76.
I'm so happy because I live at number 82. So it's
not too far to walk home afterward.
And it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!

making it Safer Sex, too/
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Old 08-02-2017, 07:17 AM   #1632
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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they
might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she
says.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it
down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it
down?' she says.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice
cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man
returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She
stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'
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Old 08-02-2017, 07:36 AM   #1633
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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool...
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
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Old 08-02-2017, 08:06 AM   #1634
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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that..

I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful !
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Old 08-02-2017, 04:22 PM   #1635
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