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The Official HDF Joke Thread

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Old 05-11-2017, 08:18 AM   #1591
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The True story of Pierre and how he gained his notority.

Pierre has declared "I have created a statue of the Lady Madonna that rivals the Michael Angelo's Pieta"

do the call me "Pierre the Sculpture" .......NO!

He went on to declare I have painted a woman's face that shames the Mona Lisa,

Do they proclaims me 'Pierre the Artiste'......NO!

I have invented things that would baffle the mind of DaVinci,

do they praise me "Great Architect".......NO!

But, suck one Coc*, and forever they will call out ......

"There goes Pierre the Coc*sucker" !!
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Old 05-11-2017, 04:05 PM   #1592
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One day, a little boy and a little girl are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.
After much arguing to and fro, the boy drops his pants and says, "Here’s something I have that you'll never have."

The little girl is annoyed and upset by this, as what the boy says is obviously true. So she runs home to her Mom, crying.

A short time later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She goes to the boy, drops her pants and says, "My Mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"
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Old 05-13-2017, 07:51 AM   #1593
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Old 05-19-2017, 12:32 PM   #1594
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Old 05-21-2017, 08:25 AM   #1595
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A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.



She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.



'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'



'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'



'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?



''Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!



''Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'



'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster Mother , 540-yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'



'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'



'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'



'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.



'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'



So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.



'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'



Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... 'For Christ's sake you didn't miss the fucking putt, did you?'
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Old 05-21-2017, 01:26 PM   #1596
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The other day I was in the bank writing out a deposit slip when this sweet old lady comes up and asked if I could check her balance, so I gave her a push and she fell over.
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Old 05-26-2017, 02:06 PM   #1597
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A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house. When he said, he had 12 children. No one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place. He couldn't say he had no children,because he couldn't lie. We all know lawyers cannot and do not lie.

So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent. He loved one of the homes and the price was right -- the agent asked:"How many children do you have? He answered: "Twelve."The agent asked, "Where are the others?" The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered“ They're in the cemetery with their mother."
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Old 05-30-2017, 07:22 AM   #1598
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A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of frozen crabs, and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ....

So she took them home and ate them and they were simply delicious.





There are two lessons here:



1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some people might think.
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Old 06-04-2017, 08:25 PM   #1599
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Dedicated to all the gun nuts out there.


A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled,
"I have a .45 Colt with an nine shot clip and I want to know who's been
sleeping with my wife!"

A voice from the back of the room called out, "You don't have enough
ammo!"
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Old 06-04-2017, 08:26 PM   #1600
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An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his mobile phone.



He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.



Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs,



"That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Tipperary baby boy..."



Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?



Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks ... so how much does he weigh now?"



The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds".



The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."



The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says...



"Had him circumcised."
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Old 06-05-2017, 01:02 PM   #1601
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A man came in from a morning of fishing and parked his boat. He was beat so he took a nap. While he was sleeping his wife decided she'd take the boat out on the lake and do some reading.

She went to a nice little cove, anchored and started reading. Later, a Game Warden pulled up along side and asked her what she was doing. "Reading" she said while thinking, "Isn't that obvious?" The Game Warden said that she was in a restricted fishing area and that he was going to need to bring her in and ticket her.

"I wasn't fishing, I was reading" she said. The Game Warden replied, "well, you have all the equipment. You could start at any time." The woman said, "Fine, but when we go in I'm going to have to charge you with sexual assault." The Game Warden says, "But I haven't even touched you!" She looks at him and said, "Well, you have all the equipment. You could start at any time." The Game Warden left her to read in peace...
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Old 06-05-2017, 01:03 PM   #1602
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I was eating breakfast with my 10 year old Granddaughter and asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!"

She's smart, so I ask her "What does Presidents Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc.

She replied, "Presidents Day is when the president steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of bull$hit."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out of your nose.
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Old 06-11-2017, 07:51 AM   #1603
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An elephant and a camel are talking. The elephant asks, "Why do you have boobs on your back?"

The camel replies, "Ha! That's a funny question coming from an animal with a penis hanging from his face."
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Old 06-11-2017, 08:09 AM   #1604
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An old Italian, visiting his wife's gravesite, placed a beautiful single rose upon her grave and said a prayer. He noticed an elderly Oriental gentleman placing the traditional food offering upon the grave of his wife, and then paid his respects to her. The Italian, finding this humorous and strange, was compelled to ask "when do you think she will come up to eat that"? To which the old Oriental responded, ........."about the same time as yours comes up to smell that rose"!
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Old 06-15-2017, 07:34 PM   #1605
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The gay guy reads an article, 'Vaseline cures baldness', his partner asks, what are you doin, he says, the article says 'Vaseline will cure my baldness', his lover responds, if that were the case you'd have a pony tail growing out your ass....duh.
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