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Old 04-29-2017, 06:48 AM   #1576
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A Sweet Marriage Tale



A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."



"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.



"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."



The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries.



The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses."



He didn't get to finish the sentence because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.



The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious. I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"



You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.



"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that."



"You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks because you are married now, and you aren't fucking going anywhere! Got it, asshole?"





And they lived happily ever after.





Now, isn't that a sweet story?
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Old 04-30-2017, 01:27 PM   #1577
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'
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Old 05-01-2017, 10:26 AM   #1578
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Bob walked into a sports bar around 5:58 PM.
He sat down next to a very attractive blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.

The 6 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said,"You know, I reckon he'll jump."

The blonde replied,"Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,"You're on!"

The blonde placed her money on the bar, and kept watching the scene on the telly.
The guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, So, I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.
--
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Old 05-01-2017, 07:52 PM   #1579
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The teacher was using life saver candy to help the students identify the color with a taste.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ..............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!'

The teacher had to leave the room.
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Old 05-02-2017, 02:20 AM   #1580
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The teacher was using life saver candy to help the students identify the color with a taste.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ..............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father first thing in the morning.'

And one little girl stands up and screams, "It's a Horny Bastard!"
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Old 05-02-2017, 08:10 PM   #1581
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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

Don’t mess with old people!
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Old 05-03-2017, 04:33 PM   #1582
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Little Johnny was in the 1st grade, and the teacher was using the reward system in her class by rewarding the children with jelly beans for a correct answer. Little johnny waited patiently for a question he could answer correctly and get some jelly beans, but the questions were just to hard for him. The next day he waited once again for the right question, and once again the question were just too tough for him. After going a third without getting any jelly beans, he decided he had to do something. So the next day Littlle Johnny went to school well prepared and after not hearing a question he could answer he reached into his pocket and took out 2 black balls, and rolled them down the aisle toward the teacher, when she saw them she picked them up somewhat upset and looked around the class and finally asked, "who has black black balls and little Johnny leaped outta his seat and shouted "Nat King Cole, now can I have some freakin' jelly beans.
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Old 05-03-2017, 04:47 PM   #1583
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HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift… When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that's how the fight started…

My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?” She answered, “No." I then said, "Is that your final answer?” She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes…” So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend.”
And that's when the fight started…

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please.” He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?” "Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that's when the fight started…

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?” "Yes", she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.” "My God!" I said. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And that’s when the fight started…

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer … always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush and said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?” I said, "Dust.”
And that's then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds.” I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that’s when the fight started…

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.”
And that’s when the fight started…

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible … I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.” I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect.”
And that’s when the fight started...

I rear-ended a car this morning … the start of a REALLY BAD DAY! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF. He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy!” So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
And that's when the fight started
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Old 05-04-2017, 05:42 PM   #1584
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Old 05-05-2017, 05:38 PM   #1585
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National Fisheries Development Board Building is located in Hyderabad, India
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Old 05-06-2017, 11:13 AM   #1586
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Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over my body.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
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Old 05-06-2017, 01:33 PM   #1587
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I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.



Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I commented, "I don't think that's going to help.”



"Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers"
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Old 05-06-2017, 07:37 PM   #1588
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Here's a guy on a barstool, just looking at his drink.



He stays like that for half-an-hour.



Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.



The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."



"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison . . ."
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Old 05-08-2017, 12:59 PM   #1589
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Old 05-09-2017, 12:54 PM   #1590
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The year was 1947. Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little more than 66 years ago, numerous witnesses claim that an Unidentified Flying Object, (UFO), with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered-up by the U.S. Air Force, as well as other Federal Agencies and Organizations. However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April, year 1948, nine months after the alien crash, the following people were born: Barrack Obama Sr. Albert A. Gore, Jr. Hillary Rodham William J. Clinton John F. Kerry Howard Dean Nancy Pelosi Dianne Feinstein Charles E. Schumer Barbara Boxer Joe Biden This is the obvious consequence of aliens breeding with sheep and jack-asses. I truly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.

Now you can stop wondering why they support the bill to help all Illegal Aliens
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