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Old 04-01-2017, 07:00 AM   #1546
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This young girl about 7 year old had a dog which she took for a walk everyday after school. Well, one day her dog was in heat, so her father told her that she couldn't walk the dog for a week or so because it wasn't feeling well. His daughter became very upset and cried for most of the night.

The next day the father came up with a plan. He put some gasoline on the dogs rear end to cover the smell from the male dogs. Well when the girl got home she was happy to find that she could now walk her dog again.

About an hour later the girl returned without the dog. The father asked, "what on earth has happened to the dog?"

The girl replies, "Well she ran out of gas a few blocks back and is being pushed home by another dog."
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Old 04-01-2017, 02:29 PM   #1547
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Guy buys a nice new car for his wife's birthday.

Filling it up at the gas station on the way home.

Fellow at the next pump says: "nice car"

First guy says: "Thanks. I got if for my wife."

Second guy: "Nice trade!"
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Old 04-02-2017, 12:29 PM   #1548
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Old 04-04-2017, 01:27 AM   #1549
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Old 04-04-2017, 01:28 AM   #1550
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Old 04-04-2017, 01:31 AM   #1551
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Old 04-04-2017, 01:33 AM   #1552
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Old 04-04-2017, 04:44 PM   #1553
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Default Kevin Rooney on the Tonite Show 10-15-87

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Old 04-05-2017, 11:29 AM   #1554
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Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.

I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is so adorable!
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Old 04-05-2017, 10:18 PM   #1555
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A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops."
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Old 04-09-2017, 08:39 AM   #1556
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During a recent Trump stop, a heckler from the audience hollered, "Hey Trump, where are you hiding your tax returns? The Donald politely responded, "I've found a very secure place that I'm certain they won't be found." The insistent heckler, then shouted, "And just where is that, dummy"? The Donald smiled and said, "They are underneath Obama's college records, his passport application, his immigration status as a student, his funding sources to pay for college, his college records, and his Selective Service registration. "What's your next question?"
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Old 04-09-2017, 08:41 AM   #1557
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Bob and Frank are two very senior citezens in the old folks home.

One day they are walking by Myrtle's room, and there is Myrtle standing there in her birthday suit.

Bob: What was Myrtle wearing?

Frank: I don't know, but it sure needed ironing.
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Old 04-09-2017, 08:44 AM   #1558
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Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..

How soon can I go home?'
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Old 04-09-2017, 09:19 AM   #1559
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When students took the entrance exam for medical school, they were perplexed by this question:



Rearrange the letters P-N-E-S-I to spell out the part of the human body that is most useful when erect."



Those who spelled SPINE became doctors. The rest are in Congress.
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Old 04-09-2017, 08:15 PM   #1560
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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hand at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his trousers and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? 'Feels great,' he replied; 'but I still think my thumb's broken!'
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