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The Official HDF Joke Thread

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Old 06-18-2005, 05:49 PM   #1
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Default The Official HDF Joke Thread

Here we go

Two men where pulled over. The trpooper taps on the window with his nightstick and when the driver rolls down the window- "whach"- the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.
"what was that for?" the driver asks. "shut up and give me your licence," the officer barks. He goes back to his car, runs a check on the guy and returns when it comes up clean. He returns the licence and walks over to the passengers side. He taps on the window, the passanger rolls it down and-whack- the officer raps him on the head too.
"just making your wish come true" the trooper says.
"what wish" the passanger yells.
The cop anwsers, " I know that two miles down the road your're gonna turn to your pal and say,'I wish that pri** would've tried that crap with me!"
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Old 06-19-2005, 10:47 AM   #2
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"What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes"?


"Nothing,,,you already told her twice"
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Old 06-19-2005, 11:10 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cle. Plasma
Here we go

Two men where pulled over. The trpooper taps on the window with his nightstick and when the driver rolls down the window- "whach"- the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.
"what was that for?" the driver asks. "shut up and give me your licence," the officer barks. He goes back to his car, runs a check on the guy and returns when it comes up clean. He returns the licence and walks over to the passengers side. He taps on the window, the passanger rolls it down and-whack- the officer raps him on the head too.
"just making your wish come true" the trooper says.
"what wish" the passanger yells.
The cop anwsers, " I know that two miles down the road your're gonna turn to your pal and say,'I wish that pri** would've tried that crap with me!"
HA! I've got an even BETTER one! Top this, CP!

A 36 year old woman gets up in the middle of the night and notices her husband isn't in bed with her. She gets up, checks the bathroom, and still no sign. Then off in the distance she hears gentle sobbing. She proceeds downstairs to find her husband at the kitchen table with tears rolling down his face. She gives him a hug and asks what's wrong. He begins to recant a story to her.

"Well", he starts out, "Do you remember back when you were 16, and I was almost 20?"

"Yes, that was right after we first met" she replied.

"And do you remember that night when your daddy caught us in the back of my van in your driveway?" he continued.

"Yes, he was so mad, he came after you with his shotgun" the woman recalled.

The husband, with tears welling up in his eyes again then asked "Do you remember what he said to me?".

"Of course I do, dear, he said that if you didn't marry me he was gonna have you thrown in jail for TWENTY years. But why are you crying now?"

The husband gathered himself, and looking toward the calendar on the wall, responded "Well, I just realized that I would have gotten out today!".
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Old 06-19-2005, 11:50 AM   #4
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"Why did the pervert cross the road?"

"Cause he was stuck in a chicken!"
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Old 06-19-2005, 12:28 PM   #5
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nother chicken joke
The rooster was sitting on the edge of the bed smoking a cigarette
The egg was laying on the pillow looking really po'd
Finally the egg mutters -Well we sure know the answer to that question don't we

Last edited by maicaw; 06-19-2005 at 12:29 PM. Reason: spelling
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Old 06-19-2005, 12:36 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maicaw
nother chicken joke
The rooster was sitting on the edge of the bed smoking a cigarette
The egg was laying on the pillow looking really po'd
Finally the egg mutters -Well we sure know the answer to that question don't we
Oh, I get it! The pervert from oblioman's chicken joke was the father of the egg!!!

How appropriate on Father's Day.....
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Old 06-19-2005, 03:26 PM   #7
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And so,,the eternal question has been answered by a simple yolk,,,err I mean joke......
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Old 06-19-2005, 04:54 PM   #8
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Why did the punker cross the road? He was stapled to a chicken...
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Old 06-20-2005, 04:52 PM   #9
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had performed. The monsignor replied, "When I am concerned about becoming nervous on the pulpit, I simply pour vodka into my water glass. If I start to feel nervous, I take a sip."

The following Sunday the priest took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, the priest became nervous and took a drink, after which he proceeded to deliver a stirring sermon.

Upon his return to his office after mass, the priest found the following note from the monsignor:

1. Sip the vodka, don't chug it.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated; he was not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, we don't preach that he was stoned off his ass.
10. We never refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
12. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's
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Old 06-21-2005, 03:48 PM   #10
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How about another :
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
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Old 06-21-2005, 08:05 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by numbskully
How about another :
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
Scale of 1 to 10, that's at LEAST a nine-and-a-half!!!
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Old 06-22-2005, 09:27 AM   #12
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A news service reported that fire destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush on his Crawford, Texas ranch. The fire began in the presidential bathroom where the books were kept. Both of his books were lost. A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one.
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Old 06-25-2005, 07:39 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oblioman
A news service reported that fire destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush on his Crawford, Texas ranch. The fire began in the presidential bathroom where the books were kept. Both of his books were lost. A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one.
A little 10 year old boy dozed off in his Sunday School class.

The Sunday School teacher took notice and decided to try to embarrass the young lad into paying more attention.

So she asked him "Johnny: Who created the heavens and earth in just 6 days?"

The young lass seated behind him had a school girl crush on the cute little boy, so she nudged him with her ruler to waken him.

The little boy shouted out: "GOD!"

The teacher was startled that he had given the correct answer, although she was certain he had been sleeping.

So after another 10 minutes, she again thought he seemed to be napping.

So this time she asked "Johnny: Who gave his life on the cross for all mankind?"

Again, the little girl poked Johnny in the back with her ruler.

And this time he shouted: "JESUS!!"

Amazed, the teacher continued with her lesson. But in just 5 minutes, the little boy once again had his head down over his folder arms on the desk.

The teacher was sure she would catch him this time.

"Johnny: What did Eve say to Adam after they had their second child?"

Again the little girl tried to signal Johnny out of his slumber.

Johnny awoke, jumped out of his chair, and yelled "God Damn it! If you stick me with that thing one more time, I'm gonna break it in half!!!"
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Old 06-25-2005, 08:05 PM   #14
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A man owned a small farm near Maddock. The North Dakota Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there's my field hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week, plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works here about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I go into town and buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night," replied the farmer.
"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the farmer sadly.
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Old 06-26-2005, 02:18 PM   #15
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The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
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