The Official HDF Joke Thread

[lsilvest]

Let us see your documentation for these deductions, sir...

My tax return?
I just received my tax return for 2011 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed. I guess it was
because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million
unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons;
half of Mexico; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate."


Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE HELL DID I MISS?

[ImRizzo]

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No,' “he replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,'"she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.




"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'"

[ImRizzo]

Punography





I changed my i Pod name to Titanic.

It's syncing now.



I tried to catch some fog.

I mist.



When chemists die,

they barium.



Jokes about German sausage are

the wurst.



A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray

is now a seasoned veteran.



I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.

He says he can stop any time.



How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.



I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.



This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,

but I'd never met herbivore.



I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.



I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.



They told me I had type A blood,

but it was a Type- O.



A dyslexic man

walks into a bra.



PMS jokes aren't funny,

period.



Why were the Indians here first?

They had reservations.



Energizer bunny arrested.

Charged with battery.



I didn't like my beard at first.

Then it grew on me.



How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it!



When you get a bladder infection,

urine trouble.



What does a clock do when it's hungry?

It goes back four seconds.



I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.

Then it hit me.



Broken pencils are.....

pointless.



England has no kidney bank,

but it does have a Liverpool .



I used to be a banker,

but then I lost interest.



All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen.

Police have nothing to go on.



Haunted French pancakes

give me the crepes.



Velcro -

what a rip off!



Cartoonist found dead in home.

Details are sketchy.



Earthquake in Washington obviously

government's fault.



I used to think I was indecisive,

but now I'm not so sure

[ImRizzo]

Wife: "Where the heck have you been? You said you'd be home by noon!"

Husband: "I'm so sorry Honey... but you probably don't want to hear the reason."

Wife: I want the truth, and I want it NOW!'

Husband: "Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the clubhouse, I
hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the button. On the way
home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it
in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money. Of course I refuse it - Then she
tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton - and begs me to stop so she
can buy me a beer. She's such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it - one
beer turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each
other. Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from
our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. Now
I'm in her room... clothes are flying... the talking stopped... and we proceeded
to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because
before I know it the clock says 5:30. I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to
the car, and here I am. There. You wanted the truth... you got it." ..........

Wife: Bullshit. You played 36 holes, didn't you !

[parts1953]

Finally a guy gets some time off after 6 long months on an oil rig out in the Gulf. The first thing in port he does is head to the local cathouse. Inside he tells the madam he needs something 'strange'.
She tells him she doesn't have anything strange except for one-eyed Sadie. The guy says that is fine & bring her on.

In their room he asks Sadie why she is considered strange & she pops out her one bad eye. She then tells him to just use the eye socket in her head. Now that is definitely Strange, but having been away so long he does it anyway.
When he is done he tells Sadie how good it was & the next time he is in town he will ask for her.

"Ok," she says. "I'll keep an eye out for you."

[dahur]

A man and his wife where driving down the road in the Snow when they spotted
a little animal in the road. The man stop the car and the wife got out and picked
up the little animal and put it in the car. It was a little male Skunk. The wife
said,"It's freezing out there and this little Skunk is shivering". She put him on the
floor and the man turned up the Heat. So, the wife picked up the little Skunk and
said, "He's still freezing," and she put the Skunk in her lap. "She said again, " He's
really cold and still shivering." The man said, " Put him between your legs to
keep him warmer!" The wife said, "What about the smell?" The man said,
"It'll be alright, just plug his nose."

[ImRizzo]

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said,
‘Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said,
'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons,
but her tits are so big she can only 'fassen-eight!'
The teacher sat down and cried.

[quad4.0]

Originally Posted by lsilvest

Let us see your documentation for these deductions, sir...

My tax return?
I just received my tax return for 2011 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed. I guess it was
because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million
unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons;
half of Mexico; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate."


Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE HELL DID I MISS?

you left out a war that no one wants, needs or condones. And the fact we are broke and China hold all the keys to the mortgage.
Not a funny joke but I see the good intent.

[lsilvest]

SENIOR BUMPER STICKERS:

CREMATION?
Think Outside the Box

I’M RETIRED
I was tired yesterday, and I’m tired again today

When I was younger, all I wanted was a nice BMW.
Now I don’t care about the W.

I’m in the intial stages of my golden years.
SS, CD’s, IRA’s, AARP...........

We got married for better or worse.
He couldn’t do better, I couldn’t do any worse.

I was always taught to respect my elders.
Now I don’t have anyone to respect.

I asked my wife if old men wear boxers or briefs?
She said “Depends”.

Food has replaced sex in my life...
Now I can’t even get into my own pants

I’m so old......
I don’t buy green bananas

That Snap Crackle Pop in the morning....
ain’t my freaking Rice Krispies

Sometimes I wake up grumpy.....
and some days I let him sleep.

Senior Campbell’s...
New Large Type Alphabet Soup

“The secret of staying young is to live honestly....
Eat slowly, and lie about your age”

I’m not old.
I’m Chronologically Gifted

Florida –
God’s Waiting Room

I’m so old that whenever I eat out,
they ask me for money up front.

[oblioman]

Originally Posted by quad4.0

you left out a war that no one wants, needs or condones. And the fact we are broke and China hold all the keys to the mortgage.
Not a funny joke but I see the good intent.

WTF kind of joke was that? China owns $1.16 trillion, Japan owns $1.13 of our debt. China doesn't hold any keys to the mortage, your kids and grandkids do.

[lsilvest]

Depressed

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land." Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land." Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land! I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc .... I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...... Folks, we're screwed

[ImRizzo]

My wife wont like it

One day I accidentally overturned my cart.



Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out,

“Are you okay, what's your name?"




"It’s Jack , and I’m OK thanks," I replied.

"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered,”but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy, she insisted that I remove my clothes and she would give me a massage, afterwards, I thanked my host.


"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile, “She won't know anything. Where is she, anyway?"

"Under the cart!" I said....

[parts1953]

At a wedding party recently someone yelled,

"All the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was immediately crushed to death.

[parts1953]

Mother Superior is on her death bed & the other nuns have gathered there to help her in any way they can. They have tried to give her water, coffee, tea & soda but she refuses to drink any of them
Then one nun remembers that there is a bottle of Irish whiskey in the kitchen. So she fills a glass with 1/2 of the whiskey & the other 1/2 with warm milk. Mother Superior is coaxed to drink a little. She then drank more & more until the glass was empty.
As her eyes brightened one of the nuns said earnestly, "Mother, please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

Mother raised herself up on one elbow looked at them and said, "Don't sell that cow."

[parts1953]

He was loving it.
With a big smile on his face, as his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards, forwards then backwards,
back and forth, back and forth, in and out, in and out.

Her heart was beating faster, her face was getting flush & she started to groan.

Then she let out one almighty scream!!!

"I can't park this f**king car! Why don't you do it, you smug b**tard!!!".