The Official HDF Joke Thread

[ImRizzo]

[dahur]

Originally Posted by Lee Stewart

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it. He takes it to the owner: ''How much for the bronze rat?'' ''$12 for the rat, $100 for the story,'' says the owner. The tourist gives the man $12. ''I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.'' As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned. The man walks back to the curio shop. ''Ah ha,'' says the owner, ''you have come back for the story?'' ''No,'' says the man, ''I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican.''

Now that's a joke I like...!!!

[ShowMeCables]

[ImRizzo]

Originally Posted by ShowMeCables

What ?

[ImRizzo]

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai.




After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly.

He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!


"What a feat!" said the Emperor.

"Number Two Samurai, show me what you do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly.

He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.


"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor.

"How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"



The Jewish samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room.



But the fly was still buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."




"Dead," replied the Jewish Samurai.



"Dead is easy. Circumcision... THAT takes skill!"





"Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left."



>
>
>

[ImRizzo]

Golf Panties...

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
'Well,' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear...'


Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit.'

[ImRizzo]

+ YouTube Video

[ImRizzo]

>

>> I just love children!!!!

>>

>

>> For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love

>> the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often

>> taken literally.....

>>

>> 'Circumcised'

>> (this is priceless!)

>>

>>

>> A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was

>> squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

>>

>> She went back to find out what was going on.

>>

>> He was quite embarrassed, and whispered that he had just recently been

>> circumcised, and he was quite itchy down there.

>>

>> The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

>>

>> He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

>> He did, and returned to his class.

>>

>> Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

>>

>> She went back to investigate, only to find him sitting at his desk

>> with his 'private part' hanging out.

>>

>> 'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.

>>

>> 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till

>> noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

>>

[dahur]

The Last Four

A Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards San Diego, California. The Captain gets on the loud- speaker and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America!"
The entire crew of the destroyer double over in laughter. When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-speaker and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

[ImRizzo]

?? punchline ??

[quad4.0]

Originally Posted by ImRizzo

?? punchline ??

there are enough wetbacks in the us already. It's a regional joke.

[ImRizzo]

Originally Posted by quad4.0

there are enough wetbacks in the us already. It's a regional joke.

Sorry, I understood your post, it was one after yours that ended up being a spammer who posted a non-sense joke with no punchline, but a hidden spam link. Sorry for the confusion.

[ImRizzo]

The Ol' cowboy lover.

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."



Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"



Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."

[quad4.0]

Originally Posted by ImRizzo

Sorry, I understood your post, it was one after yours that ended up being a spammer who posted a non-sense joke with no punchline, but a hidden spam link. Sorry for the confusion.

those little bastards! I din't catch that!

[dahur]

I was sitting at a long stop light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk off their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Aqbar Allah! Praise Allah!" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing every occupant of the car.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man...that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.