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Old 08-03-2017, 08:38 AM   #1636
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Old 08-06-2017, 09:41 AM   #1637
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An older golfer was chipping his ball from near a water hazard; his club fell into the water.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The golfer replied that his club had fallen into water, and he needed the club to win the tournament to supplement his meager pension....
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club. "Is this your club?"
the Lord asked. The golfer replied, "No.
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked. Again, the golfer replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked. The golfer replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the golfer's honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy.
Sometime later the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, and she fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you
crying?"
"Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton. "Is this your woman?"
the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the golfer. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The golfer replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Kate Upton, You would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve, that's why I said yes to Kate Upton."

And God was pleased.


The moral of this story is: If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason, and only out of consideration for others!
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Old 08-07-2017, 05:12 PM   #1638
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GRAMMAR LESSON

It's time for a clear, serious grammar lesson.

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.



Here is his astute answer:

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!

He won a trip around the world, and a case of 25 year old Scotch.
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Old 08-08-2017, 06:20 PM   #1639
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Short but good.

I am disappointed in my Grandfather. All his life he voted Republican.
Since he died, I recently found out that he is now voting Democrat.
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Old 08-13-2017, 07:26 PM   #1640
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Old 08-14-2017, 07:24 PM   #1641
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Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke. He asks the other guy if he has a lighter. He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter. Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man. Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing." "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants. The man says " I want a Million Bucks" The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly overhead. And the guy says to the other " Your genie really sucks at hearing doesn't he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC!"
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Old 08-15-2017, 06:34 AM   #1642
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I was on vacation in Florida with some colleagues and their wives on Christmas vacation. I was walking down the beach and I see one of my colleagues approaching me. He is a psychologist. "You had breakfast yet," I ask?

"No."

"Let's find a place."

"Good," he says. "My car is right over there." I get in his car, a brand-new Lincoln, and right away I notice that it's a stick-shift.

I say, "You bought a new Lincoln with a stick shift? I didn't know that they made a Lincoln like that."

"They don't," he says. "I ordered it special."

"I'll bet that cost a fortune," I reply.

"Oh, yeah. You got that right."

"Why would you buy a new Lincoln with a stick shift," I ask?

He says, "My wife can't drive a stick."
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Old 08-15-2017, 01:47 PM   #1643
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A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was just burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career.
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Old 08-18-2017, 07:23 PM   #1644
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Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house.

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

“Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.” said his mother.

“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.
“Of course, you do.” his mother insisted.
“We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house.” Johnny explained.

“But this is Grandma’s house, and she knows how to cook!”
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