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The Official HDF Joke Thread

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Old 04-11-2017, 12:17 PM   #1561
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Old 04-11-2017, 08:24 PM   #1562
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A man was sitting reading his newspaper when his wife hit him up side of the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?!' the man asked.

The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name 'Jenny' on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said, 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she'd done it again.

The wife replied, 'Your horse phoned.'
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Old 04-12-2017, 11:33 AM   #1563
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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped...'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
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Old 04-12-2017, 11:33 AM   #1564
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There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
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Old 04-13-2017, 09:25 AM   #1565
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Old 04-13-2017, 05:55 PM   #1566
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Bet you didnít know this..?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

You didn't even see it coming did you?
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Old 04-14-2017, 07:58 PM   #1567
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A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say

again,'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.' Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,



'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'



With age comes wisdom.
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Old 04-14-2017, 08:22 PM   #1568
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Old 04-16-2017, 02:25 PM   #1569
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Last edited by Lee Stewart; 04-16-2017 at 09:46 PM..
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Old 04-16-2017, 05:11 PM   #1570
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An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.



One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"



Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."



God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "



Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."



God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."



"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"
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Old 04-17-2017, 07:30 AM   #1571
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The Harley and Vaseline

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.

He doesn't have much luck, until one Day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike looks better than a new one, Although it is 10 years old.

It's shiny and in mint condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he Kept it in such great condition for 10 Years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the Seller, 'whenever the bike is Outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain,' and he Hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, Invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to Tell you something about my family. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says Anything during dinner has to do the
Dishes.'

'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

Joe is shocked.
Right in the middle of the living room Is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of Dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the Corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure Enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to Take advantage of the situation.

He leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

He reaches over and fondles her Breasts. Nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her Clothes off, throws her on the table And screws her, right there in front of Her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her Dad is obviously livid and her mom Horrified when he sits back down, but
No one says a word.

He looks at her mom. She's got a Great body too.

Joe grabs mom, bends her over the Table, pulls down her panties, and Screws her every which way but loose Right there on the dinner table.

She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits Down.

His girlfriend is furious, her dad is Boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to Ear. But still....Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of Thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls The jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouted.

I'll do the dishes”!!
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Old 04-21-2017, 11:11 AM   #1572
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Some years ago, executives at a Houston airport faced a troubling customer-relations issue. Passengers were lodging an inordinate number of complaints about the long waits at baggage claim. In response, the executives increased the number of baggage handlers working that shift. The plan worked: the average wait fell to eight minutes, well within industry benchmarks. But the complaints persisted.

Puzzled, the airport executives undertook a more careful, on-site analysis. They found that it took passengers a minute to walk from their arrival gates to baggage claim and seven more minutes to get their bags. Roughly 88 percent of their time, in other words, was spent standing around waiting for their bags.

So the airport decided on a new approach: instead of reducing wait times, it moved the arrival gates away from the main terminal and routed bags to the outermost carousel. Passengers now had to walk six times longer to get their bags. Complaints dropped to near zero.
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Old 04-22-2017, 07:12 AM   #1573
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The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The Elders met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Episcopal Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel on their property since
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Old 04-24-2017, 02:38 PM   #1574
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Lawyers should never ask a Grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.

In a trial in Mississippi, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand… a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot, when you haven’t got the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state… not to mention, he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney nearly died on the spot.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said… “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”
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Old 04-24-2017, 02:41 PM   #1575
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I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my friend Dennis,

"That'll be us in ten years."

He turned to me and said, "That's a mirror"
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