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The Official HDF Joke Thread

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Old 03-16-2017, 06:43 AM   #1531
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My boss asked me why I've already been late three times this week.

I told him because it's only Wednesday.
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Old 03-16-2017, 06:17 PM   #1532
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"Name a famous explorer that has been forgotten", asked my son
"Internet explorer.", I replied.
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Old 03-17-2017, 06:44 AM   #1533
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The last couple of years I have gotten into a habit of not walking enough. I decided I would gradually work myself back to shape. I'll start off by going around the block twice. Then I will work up to 10 times.

When I feel comfortable then I will progress from a block of wood to walking down my driveway.
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Old 03-19-2017, 07:00 AM   #1534
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The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. So the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Sicily.



It was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.



They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.



They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.



No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.



The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening and to ask his advice.



"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."



The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"



The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily.



"You are truly a wise veterinarian," they said. "How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?"



The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes and says, "My wife is from Sicily."
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Old 03-19-2017, 11:59 AM   #1535
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A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.

“Magic beer,” he says.

“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”

Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.

“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to the ground.

The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
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Old 03-21-2017, 08:25 AM   #1536
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Default Jay Leno's First Appearance on the Tonite Show

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Old 03-21-2017, 01:11 PM   #1537
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Default Keenen Ivory Wayans First Appearance on the Tonite Show

Funny routine about moving to LA and some other stuff about his family.

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Old 03-25-2017, 07:31 AM   #1538
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Default A Texan Farmer On Vacation

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large." Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?" The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
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Old 03-25-2017, 08:50 AM   #1539
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Old 03-27-2017, 07:42 AM   #1540
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Default Old Time Cowhands Toilet Paper

There was once an old-time cowhand who ordered some toilet paper from a mail-order catalog.

They wrote back and requested that he look in his catalog to give them the exact order number.

He answered 'em right back and told them that if he had their catalog, he sure wouldn't need the toilet paper.
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Old 03-27-2017, 09:10 PM   #1541
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During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way:
“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.”
Inspired by the story, the doctor said,“You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!”
”NAH,” he replied, “I'm just a shitty golfer.”
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Old 03-28-2017, 07:23 AM   #1542
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Clown: Hey, do you know the secret to becoming a bull rider?

Announcer: No, suppose you tell us.

Clown: First, you put a handful of marbles in your mouth and you keep them there.

Announcer: Yeah?

Clown: Yeah. Every time you ride a bull, you spit out one of the marbles in the arena.

Announcer: Oh really...

Clown: Yeah, and when you've lost all your marbles, you're a bull rider!
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Old 03-28-2017, 07:26 AM   #1543
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Default Skip Stephenson on the Tonite Show 10-6-77

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Old Yesterday, 06:50 AM   #1544
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A drunk leaves the bar to go home. He has to walk through the cemetery on his way home. He's walking along and falls into an open grave. "Help, Help! Get me out of here!" he screams.

A drunk friend of his is walking home and he too has to pass through the cemetery. As he is walking along, he hears, "Help, Help! Get me out of here!"

"Who said that?" says the 2nd drunk, looking around. "Who said that?"

The 1st drunk says, "Help, Help, Get me out of here. I'm freezing to death!"

The 2nd drunk looks down and says, "Well, No wonder. They forgot to cover you up."
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