a laugh for oblioman as requested

oblioman · 08-08-2005, 04:25 AM

>Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a
>little chat.
>
>"Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon
>suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here try
>these on.'
>
>So she did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'
>
>So I replied 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'
>
>Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
>
>Jack thinks that might be good advice. So on his honeymoon, Jack takes
>
>Off his pants and says to Jill, "Here, try these on."
>
>She does and says, "These are too large; they don't fit me."
>
>So Jack says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will,
>and I don't want you to ever forget that."
>
>Jill takes off her pants, hands them to Jack, and says, "Here, you try on
>mine."
>
>He does and says, "I can't get into your pants."
>
>Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you
>never will.

**rbinck** · 08-11-2005, 07:58 PM

The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand."

"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the doctor said.

"Hell, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini."

oblioman · 08-13-2005, 08:57 AM

Lars went to the Doctor compalining of bowel movement troubles, in other words he was bound up. The doc gave Lars his miracle cure and sent him on his way.

A week later Lars was back at the docs office. The Doc asked "Well, Lars, are ya still bound up?" Lars replied "Nope, I have a regular movement every morning at 6:am!" Doc asks "So whats the problem then?" Lars says "I don't get out of bed until 7:am!!!!!!

**rbinck** · 08-18-2005, 11:46 AM

On a lengthy evening Air Canada Flight with a somewhat "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

*****************

Also from Westjet: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane. So pay attention!"

*******************

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

******************

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.

*******************

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.

*******************

The captain's dulcet tones droned over the plane's speakers: "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

*******************

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please use them to paddle to shore and feel free to take them home with our compliments.

*******************

Heard from a flight attendant on a Westjet Airlines flight just after a very hard landing in Edmonton, Alberta: "That was quite a bump, and I now what you're all thinking ... I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault ... it was the asphalt.

****************

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After reaching a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax. OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee, which ended up spilling in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!

A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing.. You should see the back of mine!

rockaway1836 · 08-20-2005, 04:31 PM

I just had to post this here! Yes it's for real!!

http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eB...ADME:B:EF:US:1

maicaw · 08-20-2005, 05:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rockaway1836

I just had to post this here! Yes it's for real!!

http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eB...ADME:B:EF:US:1

the 5 pages of Q&A are a treasure - must reading for the DOT PC types
http://contact.ebay.com/ebaymotors/w...tion_VI&page=5

BrianO · 08-20-2005, 05:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rockaway1836

I just had to post this here! Yes it's for real!!

http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eB...ADME:B:EF:US:1

C'mon guys. This guy obviously posted this item just to get his long-nosed kid to behave and stop telling lies. He isn't going to ship any product.

rockaway1836 · 08-20-2005, 06:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maicaw

the 5 pages of Q&A are a treasure - must reading for the DOT PC types
http://contact.ebay.com/ebaymotors/w...tion_VI&page=5

Well just for the Hell of it I'm going to check his feedback in a couple of days. lol

maicaw · 08-20-2005, 07:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rockaway1836

Well just for the Hell of it I'm going to check his feedback in a couple of days. lol

check out these cartoons -over 100 - I think it's the same guy

use the back buttons to return to the menu when they end --Strongbad - who is Marzipan?
http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail.html

**rbinck** · 08-29-2005, 10:36 AM

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped into the
deep end. She sank to the bottom and stayed there. Jim promptly jumped in to
save her. He swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out.

When the medical director became aware of Jim's heroic act he immediately
ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to
be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Jim the news he said, "Jim, I have good news and bad
news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able
to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained
your senses. The bad news is, Mary, the patient you saved, hung herself
with her bathrobe belt in the bathroom.

I am so sorry she's dead." Jim replied, "But she didn't hang herself. I put
her there to dry."

**rbinck** · 09-01-2005, 03:22 PM

Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Pedro looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one!

detgep · 09-02-2005, 12:59 PM

Thanks for linking to our auction. It was deleted, unfortunately, because a Question/Answer contained some profanity in German.

We have another cool product
for sale, be sure to ask as many questions as you want !

http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eB...RK%3AMESE%3AIT

oblioman · 09-02-2005, 05:40 PM

A very "Genteel Sweet Little Ole Southern Lady" was driving across the
Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the
bridge, she noticed a young man ready {fixing} to jump.

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump,
think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."

He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''

She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb
ass Yankee bastard."

RSawdey · 09-07-2005, 03:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by detgep

Thanks for linking to our auction. It was deleted, unfortunately, because a Question/Answer contained some profanity in German.

We have another cool product for sale, be sure to ask as many questions as you want !

http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eB...RK%3AMESE%3AIT

Would you prefer your mislead customers without a sense of humor insult you in another language instead? Surely we can find expletives unrecognized by Ebay... anyone know the Macedonian for 'f***ing ripoff'?

oblioman · 09-07-2005, 04:28 PM

F'ing ripoff translated in macedonian is Detgep,,,another loose translation is F'ing Idiot.

08-11-2005, 07:58 PM	#62
rbinck Administrator Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Katy, Texas Posts: 12,337	The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand." "And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the doctor said. "Hell, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini." __________________ www.highdefinitionblog.com www.BlogOfHawaii.com

08-18-2005, 11:46 AM	#64
rbinck Administrator Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Katy, Texas Posts: 12,337	Heard over Airline Speakers On a lengthy evening Air Canada Flight with a somewhat "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." *************** Also from Westjet: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane. So pay attention!" *************** "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." ************** After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted. *************** In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite. *************** The captain's dulcet tones droned over the plane's speakers: "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." *************** "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please use them to paddle to shore and feel free to take them home with our compliments. *************** Heard from a flight attendant on a Westjet Airlines flight just after a very hard landing in Edmonton, Alberta: "That was quite a bump, and I now what you're all thinking ... I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault ... it was the asphalt. ************** A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After reaching a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee, which ended up spilling in my lap. You should see the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing.. You should see the back of mine! __________________ www.highdefinitionblog.com www.BlogOfHawaii.com

08-29-2005, 10:36 AM	#70
rbinck Administrator Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Katy, Texas Posts: 12,337	Jim and Mary Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sank to the bottom and stayed there. Jim promptly jumped in to save her. He swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out. When the medical director became aware of Jim's heroic act he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Jim the news he said, "Jim, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Mary, the patient you saved, hung herself with her bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry she's dead." Jim replied, "But she didn't hang herself. I put her there to dry." __________________ www.highdefinitionblog.com www.BlogOfHawaii.com

09-01-2005, 03:22 PM	#71
rbinck Administrator Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Katy, Texas Posts: 12,337	Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila." Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Pedro looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one! __________________ www.highdefinitionblog.com www.BlogOfHawaii.com

08-08-2005, 04:25 AM	#61
oblioman OTIS,,me hero Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Someville TN Posts: 4,558	>Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a >little chat. > >"Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon >suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here try >these on.' > >So she did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.' > >So I replied 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' > >Ever since that night we have never had any problems." > >Jack thinks that might be good advice. So on his honeymoon, Jack takes > >Off his pants and says to Jill, "Here, try these on." > >She does and says, "These are too large; they don't fit me." > >So Jack says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, >and I don't want you to ever forget that." > >Jill takes off her pants, hands them to Jack, and says, "Here, you try on >mine." > >He does and says, "I can't get into your pants." > >Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you >never will.

08-13-2005, 08:57 AM	#63
oblioman OTIS,,me hero Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Someville TN Posts: 4,558	Lars went to the Doctor compalining of bowel movement troubles, in other words he was bound up. The doc gave Lars his miracle cure and sent him on his way. A week later Lars was back at the docs office. The Doc asked "Well, Lars, are ya still bound up?" Lars replied "Nope, I have a regular movement every morning at 6:am!" Doc asks "So whats the problem then?" Lars says "I don't get out of bed until 7:am!!!!!!

08-20-2005, 04:31 PM	#65
rockaway1836 High Definition is the definition of life. Join Date: May 2005 Location: Myrtle Beach SC Posts: 1,035	I just had to post this here! Yes it's for real!! http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eB...ADME:B:EF:US:1

09-02-2005, 12:59 PM	#72
detgep What is HD? Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 1	Thanks for linking to our auction. It was deleted, unfortunately, because a Question/Answer contained some profanity in German. We have another cool product for sale, be sure to ask as many questions as you want ! http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eB...RK%3AMESE%3AIT

09-02-2005, 05:40 PM	#73
oblioman OTIS,,me hero Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Someville TN Posts: 4,558	A very "Genteel Sweet Little Ole Southern Lady" was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man ready {fixing} to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father." He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump." She said, "Well, think of your wife and children." He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids." She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee." He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?'' She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb ass Yankee bastard."

09-07-2005, 04:28 PM	#75
oblioman OTIS,,me hero Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Someville TN Posts: 4,558	F'ing ripoff translated in macedonian is Detgep,,,another loose translation is F'ing Idiot.