a laugh for oblioman as requested

[rbinck]

TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO HAD ENOUGH

• If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
• Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
• If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like the soap opera guys.
• Don't cut your hair, ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you are stuck with her.
• Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
• If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
• Sometimes we're not thinking of you, live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation or power tools.
• Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
• Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
• When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, really.
• You have enough clothes.
• You have too many shoes.
• Crying is blackmail.
• Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work, really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
• No, we don't know what day it is, we never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.
• Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
• Most guys own three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair out of 30, would look best with your dress?
• Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
• Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
• A headache that lasts 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
• Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
• Check your oil.
• It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
• Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
• If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
• Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
• You can tell us to do something OR you can tell us how to do something. But not both.
• ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
• If it itches, it will be scratched.
• Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
• If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
• Whenever possible, please say what you have to say during commercials.

[rbinck]

In D.C., a guy sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is
in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and
sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do." the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my
gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help
the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and
in no time they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world
leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable
spies eight years running."

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew
I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle
down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do
some undercover security work, mostly wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered
some incredible dealings there and was awarded a
batch of medals."

"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the
owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth
are you selling him so cheap?"

"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

[CatManDoo]

Originally Posted by rbinck

TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO HAD ENOUGH

• Check your oil.
  

Well, 1 wrong out of 32 ain't bad. There's no way in he** they'll ever do that, and why would you want them to? First of all, it's not their job; and second, they'd probably scr** it up by checking the transmission fluid or something.

Sorry to be so tough on you....

p.s. As for the other 31 and the next joke about the talking dog, you probably SHOULD quit your day job! They were hysterical!!!

[oblioman]

Check your oil!! That reminds me of the time a woman came to the gas station looking for a "lio" cap. Had people all confused until they rotated the cap.

[rockaway1836]

Is Hell exothermic







The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell and therefore the number of souls in Hell increases exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

[oblioman]

That is great,,that is divine,,that will throw the "Intelligent Design" theorist's on their arse. I will be laughing all the way to HELL. Thanks for sharing.

[rbinck]

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I am completely nude.

"With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. ....Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral of the story:
Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

[oblioman]

good one Rbinck,,,not to change the subject but here's something to ponder -

A car company can move its factories to Mexico and claim it's a free market.
A toy company can outsource to a Chinese subcontractor and claim it's a free market.
A major bank can incorporate in Bermuda to avoid taxes and claim it's a free market.
We can buy HP printers made in Mexico.
We can buy shirts made in Bangladesh.
We can purchase almost anything we want from 20 different countries.
But, heaven help the elderly who dare to buy their prescription drugs from a Canadian pharmacy. That's called un-American!
And you think the pharmaceutical companies don't have a powerful lobby?
Think again!

[rbinck]

Picture an old, musty saloon in Texas filled with old West and cattle raisin' memorabilia. At the bar an older rough-and-ready cowhand with a dirty Stetson, well-worn boots and faded Levi's sits with a glass and a half-empty bottle of "Red Eye".

A beautiful young lady comes in and sits right beside him. She looks him over and asks, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He looks back at her and says, "I get up at the crack of dawn, saddle an old horse, round up longhorns, corral doggies, rope and brand calves, eat dust from moving herds, live on half-baked beans and bad coffee 365 days a year. Yeah, I'm a real cowboy.

Are you a real model?"

"No," she says. "I'm a lesbian. I wake up in the morning thinking how empty my bed looks without a sweet young, naked girlish body lying next to me. I bathe wishing there was a young nubile body in there with me that I could rub with soap. I go to breakfast thinking of pert little breasts and nice flat tummies that I would love to massage. I spend the whole day thinking of nude girls and naked mature women. Yes, I'm a real lesbian."

An hour later another pair of tourists sits down beside the old cowpoke and ask, "Are you a real cowboy?

He looks at them and says, "I always thought so until an hour ago when I found out I was a lesbian."

[oblioman]

Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up
ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're
gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said.

"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these
beers, peel off the label and stick it on our
foreheads, and throw the bottles under the
seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the
empty bottles under the seat, and each put
a label on their forehead.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff
said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

[numbskully]

Okay I'll admit it," I'm addicted to this thread". It seems to always be a bummer to look here and see no new posts.Well can't let that happen friends so here is another for ya's.Enjoy.


Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00am.

The next day at 8:45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The personnel manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test TICKLES".

[rockaway1836]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty
badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body,
so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.



Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the
sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better
roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope,
ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange.



Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took
a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll
him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No,
it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"




Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes.
Every time we went to town, folks would say,
"Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."

[rbinck]

John has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Indiana as far from humanity as possible. John sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Indianian standing there.

"Names Shawn... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge...Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come. "Great," says John, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Shawn is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave Shawn stops.

"More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Damn, John thinks... tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Shawn turns from the door.

"I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem" says John, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear?


Shawn stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

[rbinck]

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..."

[oblioman]

Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date.



10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."

9. "Show me how you used to spank her."

8. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."

7. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"

6. "I just got my license today."

5. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature."

4. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."

3. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"

2. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'" 1. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?"