a laugh for oblioman as requested

[oblioman]

Lena Larson called her boyfriend, Solomon Cohen, and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Solomon asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
Lena replied, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Solomon decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table.
Solomon studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He then took her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then . . ." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[numbskully]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

[rbinck]

An Australian Outback type walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons and says, "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the alligator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my privates unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The Aussie crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The alligator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.

The alligator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar... A blonde woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with that beer bottle."

[rockaway1836]

WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REAL JOBS

.................................................. ................

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:

"I wan' all them kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

.................................................. .............

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

.................................................. .............

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say:

"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

.................................................. ..................

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:

"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

.................................................. ....................

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996:

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

.................................................. .....................

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

(that is beautiful)

.................................................. ....................

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:

"You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

.................................................. ...................

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King:

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

.................................................. ....................

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
.................................................. .....................

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota:

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

.................................................. ...................

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

.................................................. ......................

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:

"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

.................................................. ................

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:

"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject.

.................................................. ....................

Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:

"Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

[rbinck]

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this".

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star! -spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

[rockaway1836]

ribinck I noticed your from Texas, this one's for you too. ENJOY



If you can read the whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you.

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you
pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

These notes are from an inexperienced chili taster
named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili:

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.
Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb.bitch is starting to look HOT (just like this nuclear waste I'm eating.) Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four
people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety
chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and
I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much
reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that
I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye,
and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chili, which slides unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when

Judge # 3-- passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

[rbinck]

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she mentioned her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her,

"There is a way to make your car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "as long as I can sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here's the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

[rbinck]

Her Side of the Story:

He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar
for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and
I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later
than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it.

The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off
somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went
to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to
cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something
else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.

So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him
deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the
hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything.
We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to
leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on
the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after
about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love.

But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted
to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know
what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.

--------------------------------------------

His Side of the Story:

The Mariners lost. Got lucky though.

[CatManDoo]

Originally Posted by rockaway1836

Edited by CatManDoo to shorten post:

WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REAL JOBS

.................................................. ....................

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996:

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

.................................................. .....................

All of these in your original post were really funny, but I enjoyed the one above most of all. How appropriate.....

[slcsnkman]

2 sperm are busily swimming along when 1 sperm asks "Hey look..is the that the Fallopian tube?" "Fallopian tube" the second sperm laughs out, "were not even through the esophagus yet"

[rbinck]

Still think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors. His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband. While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went Into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched. As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, tipping the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

__________________________________________________ ____________________
Still having a bad day?

Just remember, it could be worse...
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

__________________________________________________ ____________________
Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

__________________________________________________ ____________________
STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

__________________________________________________ ____________________
What?! STILL having a bad day??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better?

[numbskully]

Don't know if I could ever beat that rbinck.
But I just got this sent to me.




While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a
bottle on the steep mountain trail and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said,
"My Master, may I grant you one wish?"

"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog...don't you know who I am? I
don't need any common woman giving me anything," barked Bin Laden.

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to the bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of all
women and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women
in my bed in the morning....so just do it and be off with you!"

The annoyed genie said, "So be it," and quickly disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya
Harding, and Hillary Clinton....his penis was gone, his knees were
broken, and he no longer had any health insurance.

[RSawdey]

That last line should read "his penis was gone, his knees were
broken, but thank Hillary he had national health insurance." Since if her plan had not been defeated, we'd ALL have health insurance.

[rbinck]

George Carlin's view on aging Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.



"How old are you?"



"I'm four and a half!"



You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.



You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!



And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. . . YEAS!!!



But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?



You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.



Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away.



Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.



But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!



So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.



You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!



You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there.



Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."



Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!



HOW TO STAY YOUNG



1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.



2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.



3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.



4. Enjoy the simple things.



5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.



6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.



7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.



8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.



9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.



10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.



AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments...that take our breath away.

[numbskully]

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to
audit a synagogue.



The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi

and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"yes,"

answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

A good question," noted the Rabbi.



We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them

back to candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a

free box of candles.



Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his

question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try

another question, in his obnoxious way...



Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the

crumbs from the matzo?" Ah, yes, "replied the Rabbi calmly, "we

actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the

maufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."


Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with the foreskins
from the circumcisions?"

Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.

What we do is save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough

we actually send them to the Internal Revenue Service."


Internal Revenue Service?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.


Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service.

And...about once a year, they send us a little prick like you.