a laugh for oblioman as requested

[kn0xville]

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow."

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This little boy woke up three nights in a row because he kept hearing thumping noises coming from his parent's room. He finally approached his mom and said, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in, you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh...well, I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The boy says, "That won't work."

His mom asks, "Why?"

The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

[oblioman]

George W. Bush was thrilled at finally being able to spend his first night in the White House, but something very strange happened.
On the very first night, he was awakened by George Washington’s ghost. Bush asked the ghost, “President Washington, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?”
“Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised Washington.
With all the excitement of the White House, Bush still couldn’t sleep well, and then, later on that night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. “Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Bush asked.
“Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government,” Jefferson answered.
Bush still couldn’t sleep well, so much later, on the same night he saw another ghostly figure moving in the shadows.
It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost.
“Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?,” Bush asked. Lincoln replied, “Go see a play.”

[ImRizzo]

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist '
But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '
'I am 96' said the old man.'I don't want an erection.
I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.'

[rockaway1836]

I have nothing against Sony, but this was too funny not to pass on.

http://www.theonion.com/content/vide...rce=EMTF_Onion

[PFC5]

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My
Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:.... Cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99

Titanic:...... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:........ The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.


Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :....... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined...
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:...... Jack teaches Rose to spit..
Clinton :..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:...... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :..... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :...... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:...... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :...... Monica.. ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :...... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

[oblioman]

[Lee Stewart]

3 Missionaries are captured by local natives and taken to the chief of the tribe who just happens to speak a little bit of English.

"I am going to allow you to decide your own fate. You may choose either Death . . . . or . . . . Kabunga."

He points to the first missionary and screams; "CHOOSE!"

Well the missionary has no idea what Kabunga is but has a pretty good idea what death is so he chooses Kabunga.

The chief screams out; "KABUNGA!" at which time a dozen of the native warriors sodomize the poor missionary.

The cheif now points to the second missionary and yells; "CHOOSE!"

This missionary now knows what Kabunga is, but because of his religious beliefs, he just can't choose death. So he meekly says; "I choose Kabunga."

Once again the chief screams out "KABUNGA!" And once again a dozen warriors run up and grab the missionary and sodomize him brutally.

Finally the chief looks at the third missionary and says; "choose."

Well as religious as he is, he has decided that even if choosing death is against his beliefs, there is no way on Gods earth that he will allow himself to submit to the physical torture he has already seen his companions experience . . .

"I choose Death!"

To which the chief replies:

"And Death you shall have . . . . . but first . . . . . . KABUNGA!"

[hatt]

After the president has been in office for 6 months it is customary for the last president to send a note of congratulations to the new one.

So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the president was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was: 370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.

So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the
meaning of the note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the oval office.

They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.

All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI
were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President picked up
the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

Bush chuckled and replied: Dude .............Your holding it upside down

[gwhoughton]

"Your holding it upside down ..."



GOOD ONE!!! ...as if Bush would know...

[Lee Stewart]

There once was a a great King . . .




Rodney King . . .




And he said . . .






Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!

[oblioman]

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.Lady 1: What's that?Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.Lady 1: Where did you get it?Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.

[Lee Stewart]

Perks of being over 40...

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this list.

[HDohioTV]

George Carlin was so old that back when he first started doing stand up humor wasn't considered funny yet.

&

A horse is a horse, of course, of course, unless, of course, it's glue.