a laugh for oblioman as requested

oblioman · 06-26-2005, 03:27 PM

While touring an Indian reservation in North Dakota filming a documentary, Barbara Walters was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses. So, she asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress. His reply was: "Only have one woman. One woman, one feather."

Feeling the first fellow was only joking she asked another brave. This brave had two feathers in his headdress. And he replied: "Me have two women. Two women, two feathers."

Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief.

Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which, needless to say, amused Ms.Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: "Me Chief, me sleep with 'em all. Big, small, fat and tall, me sleep with 'em all."

Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung." The Chief said: "You damn right, me hung, big like buffalo, long like snake"

Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile" The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style.. ... me sleep with 'em all." With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear." The Chief said: "No deer.. Ass too high, run too fast.

CatManDoo · 06-26-2005, 07:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by numbskully

The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

That's so good, I have absolutely no reply! (Unless that's the same Johnny from my Sunday School class story???)

Blue_Tech · 06-28-2005, 05:00 AM

Man asks his friend "You ever smoke after sex?"

Fellow replies "I dunno, I've never looked."

numbskully · 06-28-2005, 10:48 AM

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says,"What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!"

Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies... "I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!"

RSawdey · 06-28-2005, 03:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Tech

Man asks his friend "You ever smoke after sex?"

Fellow replies "I dunno, I've never looked."

If you do, you're doing it WAY too fast!

**rbinck** · 06-28-2005, 07:02 PM

Great Bar

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place, Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!" "Wow!" said the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," he replied, "but it happened to my sister!"

oblioman · 06-28-2005, 08:24 PM

ya guys had better stop it,,,,,,yer killing me!!!!! Polish Army rifles for sale,,,,,,never shot and only dropped once......

deepdoc1 · 06-28-2005, 08:45 PM

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy walk in a bar. The bartender says "What is this? A joke?"

oblioman · 06-29-2005, 07:52 AM

Old Irishman walks into a bar with a frog on top of his head,,barkeep looks at him and says "My god,,where did you get that ugly thing?",,,the frog says "Well, it started out as a wart on my a

!"......

deepdoc1 · 06-29-2005, 08:10 AM

A skeleton walks in a bar and sez "Gimme a beer and a mop."

**rbinck** · 06-29-2005, 09:22 AM

A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said 'goats'!"

CatManDoo · 06-29-2005, 11:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rbinck

A visiting professor (yada, yada, yada) ....The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said 'goats'!"

Rbinck: Your last two have been classics!

Any more?

p.s. Like the sliced ham said to the swiss cheese, "You're on a roll !!"

numbskully · 06-29-2005, 02:15 PM

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe."

**rbinck** · 06-29-2005, 04:00 PM

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits the
bartender comes over, and asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's
yours?"

"I'll have a beer, too" says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and
the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man, and the ostrich come again, and the man says I'll
have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the
man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again."
The usual?" asks the bartender.

"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the
man.

"Same for me" says the ostrich.

"That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact
change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket
every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just
put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be
there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."

oblioman · 06-29-2005, 05:25 PM

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replied the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

06-28-2005, 05:00 AM	#18
Blue_Tech Who needs reality? Join Date: May 2005 Location: Kentucky Posts: 436	Man asks his friend "You ever smoke after sex?" Fellow replies "I dunno, I've never looked." __________________ Blue_Tech Sony KV32XBR400 Sony DVD Dream 5.1 system Sony PS2 DishNet 522 Dual Tuner DVR Last edited by Blue_Tech; 06-28-2005 at 05:06 AM.

06-29-2005, 04:00 PM	#29
rbinck Administrator Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Katy, Texas Posts: 12,337	Be Careful What You Wish For... A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits the bartender comes over, and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer, too" says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man, and the ostrich come again, and the man says I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again." The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live! "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."

06-26-2005, 03:27 PM	#16
oblioman OTIS,,me hero Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Someville TN Posts: 4,558	While touring an Indian reservation in North Dakota filming a documentary, Barbara Walters was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses. So, she asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress. His reply was: "Only have one woman. One woman, one feather." Feeling the first fellow was only joking she asked another brave. This brave had two feathers in his headdress. And he replied: "Me have two women. Two women, two feathers." Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which, needless to say, amused Ms.Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?" The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: "Me Chief, me sleep with 'em all. Big, small, fat and tall, me sleep with 'em all." Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung." The Chief said: "You damn right, me hung, big like buffalo, long like snake" Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile" The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style.. ... me sleep with 'em all." With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear." The Chief said: "No deer.. Ass too high, run too fast.

06-28-2005, 10:48 AM	#19
numbskully Gimme Dave in HD!! Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Illinois Age: 43 Posts: 209	A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says,"What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!" Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies... "I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!"

06-28-2005, 07:02 PM	#21
rbinck Administrator Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Katy, Texas Posts: 12,337	Great Bar An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The others agree that sounds like a nice place. Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place, Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!" "Wow!" said the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," he replied, "but it happened to my sister!"

06-28-2005, 08:24 PM	#22
oblioman OTIS,,me hero Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Someville TN Posts: 4,558	ya guys had better stop it,,,,,,yer killing me!!!!! Polish Army rifles for sale,,,,,,never shot and only dropped once......

06-28-2005, 08:45 PM	#23
deepdoc1 High Definition is the definition of life. Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Walkersville, MD Posts: 90	An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy walk in a bar. The bartender says "What is this? A joke?"

06-29-2005, 07:52 AM	#24
oblioman OTIS,,me hero Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Someville TN Posts: 4,558	Old Irishman walks into a bar with a frog on top of his head,,barkeep looks at him and says "My god,,where did you get that ugly thing?",,,the frog says "Well, it started out as a wart on my a !"......

06-29-2005, 08:10 AM	#25
deepdoc1 High Definition is the definition of life. Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Walkersville, MD Posts: 90	A skeleton walks in a bar and sez "Gimme a beer and a mop."

06-29-2005, 09:22 AM	#26
rbinck Administrator Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Katy, Texas Posts: 12,337	A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said 'goats'!"

06-29-2005, 02:15 PM	#28
numbskully Gimme Dave in HD!! Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Illinois Age: 43 Posts: 209	A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe."

06-29-2005, 05:25 PM	#30
oblioman OTIS,,me hero Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Someville TN Posts: 4,558	A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."